All endings are new beginnings....

 ... Or so the saying goes. 

2022 has been a vintage year for me (bar one sad loss that I'm still getting to grips with). 

Hand on heart I'm not one for change. I like the comfortable falling apart worn slippers, the roads travelled, the familiarity of faces. So I understood perfectly why my 11 year old was utterly distraught when she had to say goodbye to her much loved primary school in July. The horrifically warm weather had put paid to a few of the school's plans, so she suddenly had her leavers' service on the same day as the leavers' show (where she played a resoundingly natural Peggy Mitchell) and then promptly left the following day. A day she declared as 'the saddest of my life.' I can only hope that stays true for the rest of her days as then she will be truly blessed... 

Meanwhile Sproglet - (which seems an insane name for my now 16 year old) had to contend with GCSEs and then a long stretch of summer with absolutely nothing to do. That of course changed the minute I herded him out of the house, suit on, CV in hand, with the words: 'get a job.' He is now a cherished employee (so he tells me) at Costa coffee, where I am delighted to report one of his duties involves cleaning the bogs. Amazing. I also have witnessed him empty and change a bin there - something he has yet to do at home. Coupled with refereeing money, he had enough to spend when he went camping at Reading estival for 4 nights. He survived. Perhaps also as importantly, I SURVIVED this - although a fair amount of alcohol was consumed to make me forget that my first born was doing god knows what in a tent in a field surrounded by people off their faces. 

The day before, he had held at our house an 'arts and crafts' day where with the help of his 3 buddies and my old schoolmate H, we had popped unbroken caps off water bottles and filled said empties with pure vodka. Another mother had made vodka jellies, disguised in shower gel bottles. Four bottles of shower gel carried in by a teen boy at a festival? Unlikely...  The house was a hive of activity that I image was similar to bootleg stores during prohibition. One of H's 11 year old twins asked to to sip water from a bottle she found in the fridge, lest it be pure vodka... 

GCSEs done successfully, he is now suited and booted and off to sixth year, to do A levels. I cannot quite comprehend that when I started this blog he wasn't yet 2 - and somehow in 2 years he will hopefully be heading to Uni... Where has the time gone?

This year began hopefully and ended up exceeding my expectations. Sproglette's school team won nationals at table tennis and bless her, she won Dacorum's Elite Sportsperson award from over 80 schools in the area in July (always a great time to sweat in a school hall for 3 hours).  From April - July was INTENSE. Juggling two scripts, the last term of a degree, counselling for Rape Crisis and at school for a day, plus supervision and actually attending college on Thursdays from 1-7 meant I worked every weekend for 7. It was punishing. My whiteboard looked like the diaries of the serial killer in Se7en.... I thought July would never come. Then suddenly, it did. College after 4.5 years was over. Those people know me in many ways as well as my oldest mates - and here I was saying goodbye. My supervisor asked me: 'what will replace college for you?' I'm still pondering that answer. I passed my counselling diploma in August, fittingly hearing on holiday and duly celebrated. A string to my bow. Writing is keeping me busy, but hopefully I'll manage to do a bit of both. There is nothing quite so rewarding as helping someone help themselves... 

Every week I still got in the lake with my mate KR and said to her - I will get to Greece. I am holding the thought of getting in that warm water. It keeps me going.

That warm water was worth waiting for. 

Especially as one of the places we island hopped to ended up being right smack bang next to an abandoned water park. The stuff of amateur horror films - and yet, I had several beach coves to myself, with water so aquamarine, it was as if I had dreamt it. On our last day I went for a swim alone, drinking in the beauty of the place; taking a mental picture to go back there when I need to. Paros, you were perfection. 

The summer was a haze of ABBA (My My!), cocktails, family and friends visiting, home made slip n slides, fishing in the stream and bizarrely looking after chickens. On one evening, I suggested a dog walk to a pub along our canal, where inexplicably two sets of Morris dancers decided to have a dance off. No fever dream I have had came close. Three gins later and I nearly danced with them. Three weeks later upon our return from Greece I ventured back to the same pub - only to discover - yep, those dancers were back for one last hooly. While my husband cried about one of the dancer's blind dog Stevie (as in Stevie Wonder) I found myself almost agreeing to join their group. Is there anything as joyful as a morris dancer?  I think not... 

And so, the summer is coming to an end. Sproglette headed off for her first day at big school today - the first time she has donned a skirt since nursery days... Sproglet advising her on skirt length/tie wearing/teachers... After the chaos of summer, the jam packed working calendar since March, the house was silent and I returned to my desk. 

On it is a photo of me aged 17, in London visiting my older, much more glamorous and beautiful step sister. Her bright blue eyes shining, her white blonde hair flicked out, her face tanned and smiling. It was July 1990. We lost her on May 13th this year. Well, losing her isn't quite right. Cancer devoured her until there was little of her left. The last time I saw her she stripped and said to me 'look, this is what cancer does to you.' It is a brutal, humiliating, savage bastard of a disease. 

So instead of mourning all the change in my life; fretting over the unknowns, the 'what ifs' - I embrace every single day. Sounds cliched doesn't it? I made a pledge to myself every day from now to Xmas, I'll throw on my trainers run out into the lane and up the hill and take in season.... I'll hurl myself into those cold lakes; I'll plan that up-coming 50th no matter the cost, I'll dance with those Morris dancers next time they appear in town. Because we only have today. That's it. The temperature may start to dip. The longer nights drawing in. Embrace it all. Who knows what's round the corner?

So, how was it for you?

It's all a bit of a blur isn't it? 

Are we in 2020, or 2021? Delta or Omicron? Lockdown or 'don't go to work, but DO go to NYE parties?' Will this fecking pandemic ever end?

I'm now super-immunised after covid last xmas (thank you delta); 2 jabs, a booster and 5 days later - boom! Omicron. It only lasted a day symptom wise - a few aches, a headache, but an underlying lung infection (my third this giving winter) required steroids - which today, I finished and I'm feeling much more my old self again. Hurrah! So I thought I'd take a trip across 2021 to see what pearls of wisdom I discovered this year and what I'm hoping for in 2022. Crickey 2022, it seems but a heartbeat ago we were ushering in the millennium. 

1. A quick gander across my photos of the year shows me that clearly the most important member of my family is my dog. 80% of all the pics were of his sweet soulful face and silky ears. It seems all I did all year was walk a dog and get in icy water. There was a particularly vicious ankle injury on St. Paddy's day - but sadly I was sober and yes, you guessed it, on a dog walk. The moral of this - look where you are going and it pays occasionally to look down - those little potholes on country lanes are just waiting to get you...

2. Talking of that icy water - nothing gave me greater pleasure than getting in. Ok that's a lie. Nothing gave me more pleasure than 25 seconds AFTER I had got in that freezing lake. For the first 25 the pain - THE PAIN - dear god - in my elbows, around the nape of my neck and oddly my shoulders, was like I was on fire. Then all of a sudden - nothing. Just bliss. Just swimming along, in awe of the fact that it was 0.6 degrees on Valentine's day. Well, what says romance more than being shouted at by a scary fisherman warning of impending death by catfish? 

3. Reading this week about an interview with CBBC presenter Sarah Jane Honeywell who lost her job at the BBC for daring ten years ago to strip naked for a PTEA, I was struck at how she turned a really difficult time in her life into something positive. She said 'I'm so grateful though and I now know - even when life doesn't go the way you want it, things can turn out better than you wished for anyway.' Which is perhaps the greatest lesson in life to learn. The failures, the mistakes - those are where we learn - not from our roaring successes. Also, these champagne moments are but just that - mere moments - so if we don't celebrate and enjoy the struggle to get there, then what's the point? 

She also added 'You are not your salary or even where you live. You are not what other people think of you.... You are you and to be alive means everything.' I couldn't agree more. The older I get I see how we all surround ourselves with 'stuff' to make us feel safe, to feel seen, to feel valued, to feel 'successful.' I read of a retreat where folk go and ask a single question all weekend: who am I? They begin with their job, marital status, if they have family, where they live, their hobbies, their achievements, but as they strip them all away - who really are they? A head-fry for sure, but really all the 'stuff' is just fancy window dressing. Don't be afraid to do a bit of an internal closet clear out - and what you find may not be pretty. But letting go of old scripts in your head that do not serve you; being fallible; being unafraid to take a new path - may not be easy, but, trust me, so worth it. 

4. All I am hoping for in 2022 is health and more life experiences. My new rule is for every item of clothing I buy - I'll sell/give away something else. I'm all about simplicity this year. Less is more. Looking through this year's photos again - my best days were those with friends or family, sunshine, sea, lakes or country lanes... My swim buddy KR is all about the mini-break. She believes the way forward in life is simply to have as many mini-breaks as possible. This year I had several - including a girls' night in London in October - and I have to say - they are my new favourite thing. Holidays can drag. Family tensions can rise up after sharing an apartment for a week - but a mini-break? No time to get grouchy! No time to feel on day 4 that you can't face the buffet breakfast again or having to make small talk with the people by the pool for the 7th day in a row... 48 hours people is all you need! 

5. This year I have had to volunteer as part of my degree - 100 hours of my time no less. Its a bit of a gift to help others empower themselves. You get to see (forgive me for getting all Carl Rogers over here) that giving people autonomy, a safe space in which to talk, to feel free of judgement and showing them unconditional positive regard - changes them. What I think surprised me more, is that has changed me too. The biggest gift of this year was realising - really getting - that I can't control anything pretty much or anyone. Just my reactions to things. God I wish I'd known that at 25. I'd have saved myself an awful lot of energy caring about what others think. 

 

6. Life can change on a dime - so there is no time to waste! Do everything you want to. Today. Don't find excuses. Dare yourself. Be bold. Go on!

The other day a friend posted a pic on Facebook of a plane she had taken across the barrier reef - and 3 days later the same plane crashed killing one person and giving life changing injuries to the rest onboard. Below are photos of the bravest family I know - J, C and kids - who had their whole lives upturned in a matter of seconds, when J crashed his bike.  Their lives have never been the same - but the resilience, the determination, the sheer strength of getting through this - is a testimony to what incredible people they are. Donate here if you can - as they continue to battle for help from the already stretched to breaking point NHS - and every penny raised goes towards helping them all live as a family and Jaime continue his journey to regaining more sensation in his legs. 

6.  Roll on summer. My happy place: Rathmullan. This year we were blessed with weather that was quite frankly - unbelievable. Normally you can't see your hand in front of you for the rain - but in 2021, the weather gods did shine upon us and grant us an insane amount of sunshine. Such a highlight. Bar the bastard jellyfish who stung me on day 2. (As an aside I am never not going on a mini-break without JM - who has a Mary Poppins stylee bag, whereupon she will bring out ANYTHING you request. Hairband? Plasters? Sting medicine? How about a full size beach blanket folded into a bag the size of a hankie? Oh and she had a 'whole rake of wine' in her room. I mean, if Carlsberg did holiday buddies....).

                      

7. My last year of my 40s - HOLY SHIT. But you know, I'm lucky to be here. I'll be seeing in a new year with my family over a particularly vicious game of Bullshit/Kids against maturity/Uno. I'm grateful for all the experiences of 2021 - even lockdown in Jan/Feb (although I remember virtually none of it). The 3 birthday cakes before 9am on my birthday, the dinners and the drinks and the sunshine and even the moments of unbearable sadness. Loss is all around us. Borrowing from 'Inside Out' - it is ok to be sad. I think sitting with sadness is another of my life lessons this year. It means that you loved...

There were lots of work highs - but it's funny, the highs don't last as long, with the bonus, neither do the lows. I'm lucky to have worked with the nicest folk - and been able to row my own boat - rather than dancing around trying to please producers who have no idea what they want - and it has been revelatory. Writing should be joyful, it should be fun. This year, it really was. 

8. Final thought of the year. Show up. Make the effort. Letting someone know you are there for them, that you care, that you value them - well, that's really what its all about isn't it folks? So all that remains is for me, is to wish you all a happy, healthy, warm and wonderful 2022.  Who knows what the tide will bring in... That's the fun of it eh?

Love always CM xx