Recently I read about a book entitled '12 Rules for Life' which sounded interesting, if only the author wasn't someone who wanted women's studies defunded and seems to be a conservative in liberal clothing...
As I turned a ripe old age 2 weeks ago (a wonderful semi-lockdown birthday replete with 3 cakes, cold water swimming and finally, thrillingly a meal out - which may have been stone cold but who gives a shit because I WAS OUT OUT) I thought I would give you dear readers my own version. (I mean what do I know? Consult a doctor before doing and blah blah... But hey, who knows, you might find something in here that makes you go - yeah, I'll try that...).
12 Rules for Life (CM STYLEE):
1. Get a dog.
Why oh why did I not realise this sooner? My college lecturer last year mentioned that people think they need 'stuff' and 'things' to fill voids (more on that later) but in truth, the pleasure of owning and looking after a dog is all one needs. Don't get me wrong the early days feel like you have become a parent again ( On night 2 playing tough love I asked my husband: 'How long can a dog howl for?' Turns out a bloody long time. 6 hours later I caved. Mistake number 1. We simply had to do the whole shebang again - and move our complaining kids into our room. Yes, for a week we were Victorian England in our sleeping arrangements - all sardined into one room because open plan houses aren't the best when a dog wails all night). Anyway, now I love Berkeley more than life and his ears are pure silk. I love how he gets a huge stick in his mouth and prances up to strangers all: 'Get me and my mahoosive stick.' There is nothing better than a dog walk across a wild open common and bonus - most dog folk are lovely, with everyone stopping to chat and talk all things dog. Dogs love you, don't answer back and are hilarious. Frankly that's a lot better than I got from most men I dated in my 20s...
2. Never compare yourself to others.
This simply is a road to ruin. I remember on the eve of my 25th b'day fretting that I hadn't achieved much - comparing myself to what MADONNA had achieved by the same age. I mean, WTF was I thinking? Every single one of us is unique. Every single one of us is going to have to deal with good times and times where we don't want to get out of bed. Yes, even Madge. But looking around you and constantly worrying that you aren't keeping up with the Joneses is going to send you dolally. Also, pretty much 99% of the time - what happens to others - will have ZERO bearing on your life whatsoever. So what if Sammy down the road is moving to a mansion? If Dickie gets the big fat job you secretly would love? It only eats away at you if you let it. Envy can be healthy and can spur us along - but in reality, have a word with yourself. Write a list of all you have in your own life and think on that. Wish other folk well and be grateful for what you have. Might not be easy to do at times - but trust me, it will bring you peace.
3. Lose the bitterness.
It ages you. Plus carrying that load - must get pretty weighty, no? If you harbour resentments they will gobble you up and turn you into a gargoyle version of yourself. To quote Frozen: LET IT GO. If you are having trouble with this see point 4.
4. Have some therapy.
Oh you think you're sorted do you? Well let me just ask you this: where do you get your self worth from? Do you look to others to validate your choices? Or do you base your beliefs about yourself on the opinion of others? No? So you've never checked in on your instagram or facebook to see how many likes you've got? Sure we all do it - but when your life in any way depends on what others think of you then who are you really doing it all for?
Don't get me wrong it isn't pretty when we rake over our histories or inspect all our foibles and failings as a human being. But in that shameful, embarrassing, painful place - if we can become aware of why we do things - we can change them. Yep, we can grow and goddammit become a fully functioning person (some of the time at least). Life is gonna throw all kinds of shit at us. Sometimes we have the tools to get through it. Other times we shove it down into a deep well within us and we just about survive. But that issue is still in that well and one day it will just pop right back up again when you least expect it. Maybe you'll shove it down again - not unlike a Whack a Mole game - over and over... until one day you can't pop it down any more.
You are in a rut.
Go sit on a comfy couch and talk to someone. It will change your life if you let it. Since I started my course training to be a counsellor in 2018 I've got to know myself in a whole new way. For a start, I like myself now. I understand myself too. Warts n 'all. Without sounding in any way smug - as hell, it is a journey this life malarkey - a long old marathon - and at this present time, I have never been happier or more content. Not every second of every day - but in general. Talk it out. Get it off your chest. You deserve it.
5. Get outside every day.
Come rain or shine do it. Walk on the grass with bare feet. Look up at the clouds. Get in cold water. Take a venture through a deep dark wood. Run along the shore. I will never ever stop getting in cold water week after week after week all year round. It makes me feel more connected with the whole planet than any other moment of my life. I am never more present than when I am watching the ducks fly overhead, the dawn breaking and the mist twirling around the edge of the clear as glass lake. It's nothing short of magical. Hey, I know it's all in vogue post lockdown but my dear friend Magster told me on a particularly down day in May 2019: go get in cold water and Wim Hoff the shit out of your blues. I did and it helped me more than any other thing. If I can get in that water, I can deal with whatever is thrown at me. It doesn't need to be cold water - it could be a jumping on a bike, having a quick run, walking the dog, bloody pogo sticking down the street or throwing on some skates (yes I want roller skates!) and taking in the day. Enjoy it because without being all Debbie Downer here - you do not know what is around the corner so enjoy enjoy enjoy.
6. Do not 'keep' anything for a rainy day.
Use the perfume. Wear the great pants. Throw on the fabulous dress and just appreciate it now. Why not? Today is as good as any other - right?
7. 'Things' will not make you happy.
Ah yes, if we get that fancy house/car/shoes then the world will be ok - no? Sorry to say - that's a resounding NO. We accumulate stuff - because stuff makes us feel secure. If we surround ourselves with things than life will be comfortable and easy and we can show everyone JUST how well we have done for ourselves with all our status toys... But then next season there will be a new fancier toy - and suddenly the one we loved just isn't cutting it any more. So then we need the new fancy toy... and then - yep. The next one and the next and we chase our tails just trying to have the latest what not and who is it really helping? Not us that's for sure.
Don't get me wrong - I think having a sanctuary you love to spend time in, be it a room, a garden, a home - is important. We all need our basic needs met to get on with the next level (thank you Maslow's pyramid). But I look to Dr Suess for advice on most things in life - and his book 'The Sneetches' describes this far better than I could...
One of the happiest times of my life was throwing on a backpack and hot footing it around the globe for a year. Life, stripped down to all I owned in something I could carry - was gloriously simple. I recently read an article with Chris Evans who has made and lost millions over his life and in it he talks about not weighing ourselves down. How Marie Koodo-Ing our lives is the way forward. Evans has given away most of his clothes and shoes and finds it freeing. I watched a video yesterday with Trinny going through a collection of 190 pairs of shoes and it just exhausted me. Glorious as some are - she admitted she could live with just ten of them. The very brain power used to deciding between 190 pairs of shoes would waste precious time every day.
So 7A - is de-clutter - give to charity/sell on Ebay/ or give to a friend. Then every time you go to buy something - don't. Hold that thought for a night or two. Do you REALLY need it? Often I think I want something - don't buy it and a week later realise I didn't want it after all... Better for your wallet and the planet.
8. Meditate.
Headspace is my preferred app but there are tonnes of them out there. Meditating helps you realise that thoughts - they come and go - and you can just watch them. Yep, like traffic just whizzing along - coming and going... It gives you perspective so you can give your precious head a break from them. A great friend of mine Rachel once sent me a crochet heart from a wonderful place called TakeHeartXO - who send out gorgeous little hearts for free to keep people's spirits up 'spreading the love one crochet heart at a time.' It says: Don't believe everything you think. It sits on my desk, where I look at it every single day as I sit down to write. Meditation - something I need to practice more often - is a key to just breathing and feeling everything will be ok. Even when you are sure as shit it won't be.
9. Set boundaries.
This is a newbie on my list and what a cracker it is. It is top of the old self-care tree. Your time is precious people! How many times do we say yes to something we don't want to do and then moan about doing it, hate every second and end up thinking - why did I do that? We HATE the thought that anyone would think ill of us so we go out of our way time and again and then somewhere along the line we stop and think - WHY?
For me, I can't abide folk that are inconsistent. One day a smile on the school run the next they cross the road and look through me. It befuddles me. Confuses me. Causes me unnecessary angst. Those folk that sometimes return a text, other times don't or fit you in when they have nothing better to do. Anyone toxic. Well gawd bless lockdown for sorting wheat from the chaff. Now - I know who my people are and I am grateful as hell that I have them in my life. I draw a very careful line around my time and give it to those who enhance my life and who are my champions. My team members. And I them. Chris Evans calls them - Zappers. Those that enhance your life. Sappers he says (those that only want to talk about other people or who enjoy the moments you are having a crisis or constantly try to bring you down) need to be avoided.
Learning to say NO!!!! takes practice and once you get into the swing of it - is as liberating as taking your bra off at the end of a very long day.
10. It is never to too late to go after what you want in life.
Hold that thought dear. But ask yourself always - does it make your heart sing? If it doesn't - then it is the wrong path. Follow your passions and be brave. Doors will open.
11. Don't be afraid to love wildly.
Sure, it makes you vulnerable. But my god it is worth it. Tell those that you love just how much you love them and let them know this all the freakin' time. There are heart stoppingly awful moments in life where you get a phonecall, or an email and the news just blindsides you. Knocks the wind clean out of you.
We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love, or a broken heart away from becoming a completely different person. How beautifully fragile are we that so many things can take but a moment to alter who we are for forever?
So I say love wildly. Hug folk because Christ, we all haven't been allowed to for so long and who saw that coming? Be vulnerable - it is in those moments of letting people in - and they us - that we truly connect with another human being. Being known, seen and loved is perhaps the greatest of all the gifts we can have on this earth. I am a sentimental old fool I know, but I'm so glad to those that I have loved so dearly and lost - that I told them, I hugged them and I felt and feel grateful to have known them.
12. A Don't care about what others think of you.
Easier said than done. My husband is genuinely brilliant at this and while he is also an anti-social grumpy Australian - on this point he is completely correct. Obviously don't be offensive or disrespectful - or try to be a dick. But all in all be happy in yourself. It's that freakin' simple folks. Fly your own flag, row your own boat and just go - this is me. You are good enough. Once you know that and BELIEVE it - the world is your oyster kiddo.
B Don't be a dick
This is self explanatory - but honestly manners go a long way. Treat others how you want to be treated yourself. Show some grace. It may not be all about you - that other person may just be having the shittest day ever. A waiter is there to bring you an order not be treated like they are beneath you. Anyone in a position of power who speaks down to someone who has less power is frankly a class A dick. Mentor others. Be generous. Be kind. Put out lightness and it will come back to you. Volunteer for something. Make your life meaningful. All of this could be summed up as: be less of a dick. There. My 12 rules for living. So far they are working for me...
So what are yours?
