Nervous

Gee I'm nervous.

About all sorts. For starters I'm not exactly jazzed at the thought of the pre-op meeting at hospital, where those helpful Docs explain to me how my organs may all fail and how I may die and all on the operating table, having my section. Plus I have to give MORE blood. And wee. And be prodded etc. No vajayjay exam though - hurrah!

Then helpful folk keep telling me about babies coming early - when my wee bundle of joy is meant to appear on Dec 6th - 3 weeks on Monday. I'm nervous about the whole section business as well - even though I've had one before - and I know what to expect. I remember how I hated the tubes going in my arms - worst bit - and then the whole messy recovery: Husband heading to the pub as I quietly vomited into what looked like an egg box, a sanitary blanket underneath me which slid off the bed during the night to greet the 'breast is best' pushers as they appeared under my curtain at 9am - a gory welcome mat to deter visitors. Sadly it didn't work. Catheters, suppositories, the pain of breast feeding... and feeling like you have to try even when you never want to look at your nipples ever again, let alone try and stuff them into the mouth of a small squealing baby - who by the way, has gums made of steel.

Then the whole newborn bit - the terror of a baby that won't settle, the exhaustion, the disappointment when you realise than maternity jeans are here to stay for about 4-5 weeks more... God I'm scared. How to cope with a baby when I have Sproglet too. Plus Xmas...

Yesterday I was at work (working on a different thing - a small 10 min film, not the usual soap) and a long serving member of staff left. She was giddy with joy at the thought of her new job as a script ed at a fab independent tv company on a big 6 part drama. It was definitely her time to go - and it brought back me leaving - way back at the end of March... The tears and the sadness, the relief, the angst, the whole shebang.

Another long timer script ed handed in her notice - she is leaving drama and is off to work for a charity in a cushy 9-5 job ten mins from her home. As a single parent this kind of job is the holy grail. I'm delighted for both these women - and it got me thinking - what am I moving on to? I'm having a baby - which feels like an easy route to take after losing one's job (albeit that I have been back since Aug - someone likened me to a cockroach - they just can't get rid of me). But come this Thurs, when I wrap filming - that is it. The brief time back at my old work will end. I don't want my old job back - I really have done my time on soap operas - there are only so many mad pregnant women having affairs with their sister's husband's dad's hamster's gay lover stories one can cope with - but what next for me?

For the woman who refused to be defined simply as a Mother - that will be my only job. I'm silly I know - but I'm scared. Not so much of the immediate life changes - there will be visitors and crappy Xmas movies on TV and all that festive malarkey... But come long dark depressing January...

I keep worrying that the baby will be ok - will be healthy and everything working correctly. These thoughts haunt me daily. I'm so nearly there - will it all be ok? I feel like the last couple of weeks sanity has left the building and I'm one mess of nerves and fears and contrary emotions all wrapped up in one big hormonal pair of maternity jeans.

Why can't I ever just enjoy the fucking moment? Step back and think - let's enjoy the 'now.' A friend at work mentioned how I should be enjoying my baby a few months back and not worrying about how to make ends meet/find a job/sort childcare etc post baby. I was struck - it hadn't even occurred to me to 'enjoy' - all I could think about was all the obstacles and how to overcome them. Christ I wish I could relax. I like a full diary, seeing people, being busy. Come Thurs it all stops. The diary is fairly empty save for a last minute baby shop and a couple of visitors - the vague notion of getting a tree for Sproglet on Dec 4th, 2 days before D - or rather 'C' day.

Then - a whole new world. One I really wanted, really want. But why is it all so daunting? Even for someone who has done it all before?