Grateful

Sproglet can now lift Sproglette from her cot. So the mornings are no longer filled with her wailing cries from down the hall. Instead the two of them toddle in and say 'Morning Mummy!' to wake me from my much loved slumber. Then we have a group hug and head downstairs for bagels and smoothies and whatever I can manage to force down their gullets. They have become buddies, partners in crime - and Sproglette loves Sproglet more than anyone. Before I had no 2 kid someone told me that the relationship your kids develop is such a joy to behold - and they weren't wrong.

Me and Sproglette are having a ball together at the mo. Well apart from running out of nappies today and having to use the old 'swim nappy' trick. But a poo in a swim nappy? The WORST THING. Memo to self - NEVER FORGET NAPPIES. EVER.

Life is flying by in a haze. I read back on some blog posts when I was working full time and realised what a frazzled old mess I was at times. So I may have no cash, and most of my life is spent wiping something or other - a surface, a bottom, a nose - but I'm pretty damn happy. I've got a little bit of worky stuff going on to keep my old grey matter ticking over, have sorted some creche time at £4 a time (hurrah - cheap childcare - holy grail) for the Diva (Sproglette) and am getting some lovely time with the bairns. Sproglet will be 6 this year. More Sprog than let these days. Where does the time go?

Last week a friend told me she would never be able to have kids. I won't go into details because that isn't for me to talk about - but safe to say, we both cried. I just felt so sad for her that this life choice had been taken away. I felt it most acutely because so much of my life is wrapped up in my children - and the thought of not having them... She said that although she was never sure that she wanted kids (but more yes than no) that as soon as something is taken away from you, you just want it all the more. Adoption may not be possible either. A woman so amazing with kids - always has been - in some sad irony, will never have her own. Words failed me, because no matter all I could say about travelling and having time to yourself and life being rich with possibilities for other things - she knew that for me, the greatest thing I have ever done in my life, is have my kids.

I know many women who wanted two babies and only manged to have one; many folk who miscarried and then went on to have healthy children; people who got pregnant accidentally and had the babies; people who have had abortions and then had children; people who couldn't conceive and used ivf; people who couldn't have kids biologically and adopted; people who had children and left them - but they all got to mother. Im not saying that any tragedy is worse than the other - I think everything is relative - but losing the choice of whether or not to have a child is so unfair.

Every day when I hear the pitter patter down the hall, when I shove off my eye mask thing and bleary eyed stare at my wakers - I am so damn grateful for them. I kiss their heads and lift myself from my cocooned bed - and slump down the stairs trying to focus on breakfast. And Sproglet says he doesn't like pancakes any more and Sproglette screams for the drink Sproglet has opened and through it all I feel utterly blessed.