I don't think I was meant to be a mother.
Tonight, I lost it. I dropped my basket. I just can't do this any more. I can't. I have failed where you all succeeded. I struggle, where to you, it comes naturally. I shouldn't have had kids.
I awoke at 5:30am today and just couldn't get back to sleep. Demons - that only whisper at night to scare us, to make our hearts race, our heads pound, began their chant. I've forced myself out of my job in 2 weeks - because my time there is done, I feel done. I want to make my writing a way to earn my keep and yet... where will that happen? The demons shout... YOU WILL FAIL. They remind me that some people I know want me to fail. They make me question my choices, my friendships, my life... How will the bills get paid? They holler. And... the loneliness. They remind me that I am not one to be alone for even a day. It fries my head. Plus, I will have more time with my children - which should bring me joy, but just feels me with dread. Don't kid yourself they taunt.
Tonight I lost it. I screamed at my son. He shook in terror. He shouted back and my temper raged. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and didn't see me any more. Just some exhausted, frustrated, lost, angry - so angry - woman who at 40 should fucking know better. Should BE better.
But I am not. I am shattered. My day time job is relentless - brilliant, fun, filled with amazing people - inspiring folk - but it saps the energy right out of you. Then I come home, do bath and bed and homework and laundry and tidy up and school prep and read a script and write a Babble article and and and... Is there time for me? Maybe to watch even an hour of shit TV? Read a book?
Weekends we spend entertaining kids, yet when I grew up my Mum left me every single one as she raced off to her tennis club... I watched black and white movies on a flickering tv with my Granny as her old buddies who smelt of piss and cats came for tea. Maybe that is what gave me my love of films? When I watch a film even now, I prefer to do it alone... Back then, I made up my own stories - so much so that the kids that wandered down my lane on route to the huge park at the top of my street, would stop by gate and sing 'tell us a story...' An only child - who hated to be alone. My other favourite game was to make up problems for 'Cathy and Claire' in Jackie magazine and then answer them. I could answer every problem under the sun... except of course my own...
Saturdays and Sundays are frantic as we prepare for the week and do food shops and all the mundane bollocks that comes with life - and there are no grandparents to say 'hey, have an hour off - have a coffee, read a paper, be YOU.'
It gets to you. No it doesn't. It gets to me. Kids were meant to be raised by a tribe - not two fucking stressed out parents doing full time jobs in wet weather indoors... I can't do this any more.
What do I miss? I miss head space, and Soho and being a Samaritan and lie ins and reading papers and spontaneous decisions and time to write and chatting to friends for an hour on the phone and kissing my husband over cocktails and London and most of all I miss not feeling guilty all the time because I just don't find parenthood as joyful as all you lot do.
I find it tedious and tiring and endless and thankless. I love my children, I kiss their heads and cheeks and toes and love every inch of them but I never for a second imagined I would be this spent.
My son is such a sweet sensitive boy and yet there I was - being awful to him - being the scary shouty mother that my mother was to me - that I SWORE to Christ I would never be. Awful. I'm so ashamed. Then I went to him in his bed and cuddled him and kissed his soft hair and told him I loved him and cried for being so angry and tired and horrible.
Now I am here. Typing. Weeping. Sorry. I didn't know who else to tell... You can't really ring friends sobbing, saying 'I'm a shit parent.'
I'm leaving my job because I want to be a better parent and a less exhausted stressed out version of myself and yet I am scared of what is next and how it will all pan out. I am fucking feeling that fear and doing it anyway. I wonder if you're there Keenie Beanie and Daycare Lady and Serena from Italy and JKelso Farrell and The Girl who and Chaos and all my old readers, the fab 8 who told me my truck load of chicken would arrive, in one of my dark hours may years ago. Did I lose you along the way?
It's funny because I feel I lost myself too.
Tonight, I lost it. I dropped my basket. I just can't do this any more. I can't. I have failed where you all succeeded. I struggle, where to you, it comes naturally. I shouldn't have had kids.
I awoke at 5:30am today and just couldn't get back to sleep. Demons - that only whisper at night to scare us, to make our hearts race, our heads pound, began their chant. I've forced myself out of my job in 2 weeks - because my time there is done, I feel done. I want to make my writing a way to earn my keep and yet... where will that happen? The demons shout... YOU WILL FAIL. They remind me that some people I know want me to fail. They make me question my choices, my friendships, my life... How will the bills get paid? They holler. And... the loneliness. They remind me that I am not one to be alone for even a day. It fries my head. Plus, I will have more time with my children - which should bring me joy, but just feels me with dread. Don't kid yourself they taunt.
Tonight I lost it. I screamed at my son. He shook in terror. He shouted back and my temper raged. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and didn't see me any more. Just some exhausted, frustrated, lost, angry - so angry - woman who at 40 should fucking know better. Should BE better.
But I am not. I am shattered. My day time job is relentless - brilliant, fun, filled with amazing people - inspiring folk - but it saps the energy right out of you. Then I come home, do bath and bed and homework and laundry and tidy up and school prep and read a script and write a Babble article and and and... Is there time for me? Maybe to watch even an hour of shit TV? Read a book?
Weekends we spend entertaining kids, yet when I grew up my Mum left me every single one as she raced off to her tennis club... I watched black and white movies on a flickering tv with my Granny as her old buddies who smelt of piss and cats came for tea. Maybe that is what gave me my love of films? When I watch a film even now, I prefer to do it alone... Back then, I made up my own stories - so much so that the kids that wandered down my lane on route to the huge park at the top of my street, would stop by gate and sing 'tell us a story...' An only child - who hated to be alone. My other favourite game was to make up problems for 'Cathy and Claire' in Jackie magazine and then answer them. I could answer every problem under the sun... except of course my own...
Saturdays and Sundays are frantic as we prepare for the week and do food shops and all the mundane bollocks that comes with life - and there are no grandparents to say 'hey, have an hour off - have a coffee, read a paper, be YOU.'
It gets to you. No it doesn't. It gets to me. Kids were meant to be raised by a tribe - not two fucking stressed out parents doing full time jobs in wet weather indoors... I can't do this any more.
What do I miss? I miss head space, and Soho and being a Samaritan and lie ins and reading papers and spontaneous decisions and time to write and chatting to friends for an hour on the phone and kissing my husband over cocktails and London and most of all I miss not feeling guilty all the time because I just don't find parenthood as joyful as all you lot do.
I find it tedious and tiring and endless and thankless. I love my children, I kiss their heads and cheeks and toes and love every inch of them but I never for a second imagined I would be this spent.
My son is such a sweet sensitive boy and yet there I was - being awful to him - being the scary shouty mother that my mother was to me - that I SWORE to Christ I would never be. Awful. I'm so ashamed. Then I went to him in his bed and cuddled him and kissed his soft hair and told him I loved him and cried for being so angry and tired and horrible.
Now I am here. Typing. Weeping. Sorry. I didn't know who else to tell... You can't really ring friends sobbing, saying 'I'm a shit parent.'
I'm leaving my job because I want to be a better parent and a less exhausted stressed out version of myself and yet I am scared of what is next and how it will all pan out. I am fucking feeling that fear and doing it anyway. I wonder if you're there Keenie Beanie and Daycare Lady and Serena from Italy and JKelso Farrell and The Girl who and Chaos and all my old readers, the fab 8 who told me my truck load of chicken would arrive, in one of my dark hours may years ago. Did I lose you along the way?
It's funny because I feel I lost myself too.
14 comments:
Suzanne: but you can do it, you are doing it - it's just that, for all the reasons you describe in your post, you are understandably really stressed right now, so the lid blows off the pressure cooker. Try to remember why you're moving on; breathe, trust and take one day at a time. Give yourself a chance to re-adjust after you leave work. You will benefit from the change; it's your chance to make your time work better for you. Things will fall in to place. You can do it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Big hug.
When my kids were very young, I lost my shit sometimes too. I had fantasies about just running away from it all and felt terrible for being such a bad mother. Come to find out, that's NORMAL. Most moms feel this way sometimes. You're not a terrible mom, you're just very stressed out and afraid of the future but facing it anyway and trying to change it and make it better. Kudos to you!! You'll make it through this trying time and things really do get easier when the kids get a little older.
Ok! Hold on just a moment! There has got to be a solution in all this. You love working! All that time at home you were talking about how much you love being with your kids but missed the challenge and confidence that comes with work. Is there any way to approach your higher ups about a compromise?? There must be. You cannot be the only mother there that has ever asked for a change!
Oh, sis! I totally hear you. We've had a meltdown twice this week. Both times because I held my ground and wouldn't give in! This whole parenting job is rough.
You're right. Something has got to give. I just think there is a compromise in here somewhere. You are just too deep to see clearly. Now that you're willing to make a big change, sit on it a day or two and see what appears. Even in a total shitstorm, your kids know that they are loved. You are only human!
I'm still here, CM, and although I rarely comment anymore because I read one handed on my phone with a baby balanced on my hip. I logged on especially to type this with tears in my eyes. Tears for you, because I hate to read you beating yourself up like this and tears for me because I'm newly pregnant at 41 with the second baby we wanted, but its come just after I've been made redundant and the husband hasn't held a job for over a decade because he says he gave up his career at sea to move with me to the States. So now I want him to step up, but I don't know if he can/will, and a second baby will make it so much harder for me to support the family since he won't be a SAHDad. And I'm afraid that the pressure of parenting a second child in these circumstances might suck the joy I do find in motherhood.
What I mean to say is, I get it.
You aren't a bad mother, just an honest one. Maybe you might find something that speaks to your heart in this post?
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/#sthash.4GxOstzd.gbpl
Suze - Please don't beat yourself up.... children do accept apologies (if only adults accepted them so readily the world would be a better place), he knows you're sorry. You won't do it again, it's scared the hell out of you too. I promised myself that I would never smack my son after the beatings we received as children but.... He had the most humongous temper tantrum in a supermarket at the age of 5, pulled the trolley and pushed it away, straight into the back of an old lady. I grabbed him and slapped the back of his legs, she was okay, i was mortified. I picked him up, burst into tears and took him back to the car where i cried some more. I drove back home and we had no dinner (it was a Sunday afternoon). He's now 20 and I tell him this tale, he doesn't remember. It was my shit and guilt coming to the fore. Apologise to your son again tomorrow, when you're less emotional, explain to him why it was wrong of both of you to scream at each other like that. Believe me, it's good training for when the teens come!
As for work, you're making a brave step but you are addressing your life frustrations by finally doing something for you. The unknown is scary... but it can be exciting too. You're so funny and creative I believe you'll make it, ignore the doubters. And face your demons, what's the worst that can happen? In three months time if you decide it hasn't worked out you can go back to doing an office job you also love. As for being with the kids the whole time, you'll find a balance ... go for a walk/coffee when they're at work/nursery, sometimes an hour of headspace is worth more than any indulgence (and good for creativity!). Chase your dreams, they're there for you to catch.
Sleep well tonight. You're strong, have held things together for 40 years, you won't lose that strength, it's who you are. Huge hugs.
I'm still here .. have been since P3 in Fullerton! Always have been and always will be if Ican ever help
That truck load of chicken? Well its just a little fried right now, but its still yours and up for grabs xxx
I often feel like you too, loose it, guilty for loosing it, guilty for not being as wonderful as the mummy bloggers whose blogs I read all the time (and the friends who seem to be coping much better than me). But the truth is that we only hear part of the story, the pretty part they want to show the world. Motherhood is hard, much harder than we all thought pre kids! You will get through this and tomorrow will be another day. I found it useful to read the book Buddhism for mothers - it acknowledges how hard it is and gives you good tips on how cope and parent in a more positive way. But even then you are only human, you are going to loose it somedays, and it's not the end of the world. Don't be afraid to say sorry to your son and explain Mummy makes mistakes too but you love him very much and you are sorry to have shouted. I am sure you will find your way, we can all live with less, change our lives in small or big ways if we want to. I do think we sometimes try too hard to fit in too much into our lives...today we are sitting at home in our pjs for the first time ever with the kids playing around and taking it easy....I think we should do this more often! Time to yourself is definitively important and something I am not very good at and need more of...Could you and your husband take turns to have a Saturday off each - whole day without kids - at least once a month? And/or get a friend to take the kids for a sleepover one weekend? And how about online food shopping - setting up a few shopping lists that you can repeat quite easily and will give you half a day back every week? Good luck and just know that you are not alone, there are a whole load of us out here hoping things will get easier when they grow up!
You are SO not alone. Not at all. I have tried to comment so many times, but for some reason, the identity-chooser-spam-thingy hates me with a fervent loathing, so I've never had luck, but really, really REALLY I feel precisely the same way. My circumstances are entirely different. In fact, I do a fraction of what you do and am a completely spoiled brat by comparison, but that exhausted ''when is it MY TURN DAMMIT FOR A BIT OF A BREAK??'' thing is always there, just a bit below the surface!! You have done far too much, for far too long and it couldn't possibly continue. Something had to give and you have done the intelligent thing by making a big change... which is clearly terrifying, BUT will be best in the long run. Keep writing, you're doing a great job!
I'm not a parent, but this sounds pretty normal to me. I think you're allowed to lose it once in awhile. Then again, I say this while throwing bottle caps at my cat because she refuses to get off the pottery shelf. To her, it's a game, to me, it's rage inducing. I could go over and pick her up and move her, but then she'd win and what would that mean for humanity?
Thank you for all your lovely, honest, kind comments. It helps. It really does. Keenie Beenie, when I lost my job the week I had my son, someone told me (and I aint religious AT ALL) 'God gave you this baby, god will provide.' That is true. Keep the faith - your husband will step up and you will step up and it will be hard, but worth it. Life is always worth it.
I must buy that Buddhism book. Big love to Crackered, who I think is a beloved friend I work with...Thanks to you all. It has been a hard week. But there is some light at the end of the tunnel. CM xxx
Hi CM, still here! You sound perfectly normal to me. I'm not the Daycare Lady anymore but when I was people thought I had the patience of a saint and mostly I did. But every now and then I lost it with my own son in exactly the way you did. It happens, sometimes we all loose our balance. The only thing that matters is that we work to regain that balance in a way that makes sense to us personally. If that means microwave mac and cheese for dinner after coming home from a 12 hour shift, then that's what it means and I've learned to be ok with it. Sometimes life is really, really hard and when we see others making it look so easy it makes us feel less or not good enough. But fortunately I have learned from experience that the majority of others are either blind or faking it. Case in point: my sister-in-law makes 3 organic meals from scratch a day for her three kids, volunteers, works part time, goes to church and makes cakes for her friends and family with rolled fondant that look like they came from the bakery at Harrod's! Everyone thinks she is perfect but my bother and I are the only ones who know that on more than one occasion he has come home to find her sitting on the kitchen floor crying,all the kids in tears with the organic dinner untouched or lying in a heap on the floor!
Dear CM, I'm a long time reader & occasional commentor, and am still here. We ALL feel like this sometimes as mothers, there is so much pressure on us to be everything to everyone, and be perfect while doing so, but if you open up to good friends over a bottle of wine they'll admit they have their meltdown moments, we're just not as honest as you about it. It's bloody hard work. You're trying to fix a situation that is broken, you are strong, it will all work out in the end, perhaps not as you expect, but all part of the journey...
Know this, that you strive and try is good enough. Your son is an absolute credit to the essence of who you are and girls, girls will take you to the brink and break you. You haven't failed for one second, it's not too long ago you blogged about introducing your children to movies you liked as a child, movies you watched alone, but that you watched with them? Where is the shit failure of a mother?? The career path may always be rocky/frustrating & lack of money a hardship, but there are plenty of people who wish you success and have faith in you, so please try to keep that faith in yourself alive. I'm a stay at home mum and my children take me to the brink of insanity. The perfect mum''s who never snap at their children, are quite simply a big bunch of fucking liars!! Xxxx
I left my job yesterday after 8 years as a director at bitc and I totally understand how you are feeling. I am sick of the commute the compromise the lack of time with my children the grumpy form with my husband most of all sick of feeling guilty! I am going to work in my own business and I am taking a huge leap of faith that it will work out but like you I have head many sleepless nights and horrors that I won't be good enough but you know what I will and so will you! Good luck and keep the faith in yourself xx
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