Sunday, 23 March 2014

Not sure...

Lately I haven't felt like blogging much. Usually I think of loads of stuff I want to rant about but at the moment life is moseying on by, in a slower, infinitely happier place and I just don't feel like I have anything to blog about. Blogging about life being rosy comes across as smug and showing off, so there is less impetus to write, less things to say.

Plus, several folk tripped themselves up - or gave away that they read my blog. (These are not the fab folk who have emailed me to say they discovered it and loved it - but the folk who in conversation with my husband, or me, knew things that I had only mentioned on here). People who I had never wanted to find it, never wanted to know the darkest parts of my mind, my troubles, my worries. I wouldn't share it with them in my life, so why on line? Folk that found it and told me so - they are different - they feel honest: that in acknowledging that they read CMWD and enjoying it, it feels like they are supporting me.

I started CMWD because I wanted to reach out to the unknown, to find like minded folk who related to the loneliness of motherhood, the grind, the loss of self etc. I found those kindred souls - and had a pretty cool small group of folk who read and commented.

I felt in control, oddly, over something which I have no control. I can't dictate who reads this... who finds it. Since I started writing for Babble I am more aware that people can google my name - not CM, but my real name - and it will lead them here. That was never the plan. This was anonymous... CM a pseudonym... So ONLY those I wanted to, would know who really was behind these witterings.

Over time I am guilty of course of mentioning my blog to people, sharing it on Facebook and Twitter - leading folk to it. But I felt that by writing about personal stuff and sharing it - that it kind of (jeez this sounds trite) empowered me. That by saying 'my life aint perfect' meant that I wasn't ashamed of this, my failings, my mistakes. I was owning up to them, mocking myself, being accountable and therefore had nothing to hide. Who cares what XYZ thinks of me - they can gossip all they want, after all, I SHARED IT. So, gossip, smirk, revel in my misfortunes all you want - but it won't harm me, won't affect me, because I chose to let you know this. I chose to share. You are only aware of what I want you to be aware of...

Lately, I haven't felt this way. I'm not so jazzed now on Mums at school and ex-friends or colleagues having the inside track on my life. If I'd wanted these people to be as aware of my life - I'd be calling them and asking them for coffee, or staying at the very least staying in touch. But in this oddly isolating social media world, we can be 'in touch' with 300 people, of whom we actually only SEE in the flesh about 20.

My blog has always been more of a online diary. I write to vent mainly; because something churns in my head until I spill it onto the page... My hardcopy diary I stopped writing (having kept one since 1983 when I was 10 until I was 28) in 2001. My last line admits that I have met someone, I'm off for a date, he seems like a nice guy and 'wish me luck.' I never wrote in it again. Oh, and I married that boy a year later/and 2 years later. That last comment - if you know me, you'll get it.

So do I want to share my stuff now that it is kind of out, to all? Not just the good buddies who call me up to say they loved the last post, or friends at work who like it on Facebook and say it made them cry. Not the CM supporters... but rather the bitter ex-friends (I only have a couple of these mind), the uni mates I don't bother to keep in touch with (a cold bunch but that's another story) or the ex-colleagues of old, the people who are in the peripheries of my life, rather than in the bosom of it?

TBH I never get troll mail, or evil commenters... It's not that big a blog - 5,000 hits a month... So maybe I am over- thinking all this. Me, over thinking? Never!

Anyway, I may take a wee blogging break for a while. Just until I get my mojo back with it. Like everything in life, there are peaks and troughs. It's just this was my little corner of the big vast web, that was just for me. All of a sudden it doesn't feel like a cosy nook, it feels like I fell asleep and woke up the middle of a big empty exposing field.

It's not where I expected to be.


Keenie Beanie said...

I've been meaning to leave a comment on your "10 things" post for a while to say it's lovely to read you're so content. The wheel of life keeps turning and you're on the upside now. If you want to take a break, you should do so with no compuction. I'll be looking forward to your next post... whenever that may be. xx

Chaos said...

It has been a long while since I last strolled by your page.

You're still wonderful!!

Loads of love x