Monday, 22 September 2014


I keep meaning to blog. Then every time I do - I feel completely different: on some levels I am almost bi-polar! One moment I feel all positive, the sun is shining, ta dah, look out world here I come and the next? I want to hide under a rock and not come out this side of xmas.

On one hand, I am relieved to feel less stressed. To have time with my children. To have time to help with homeworks and go for ice cream and do all the mother type stuff that used to feel like yet another job once my other one had finished. But at the same time, I miss people - my old work mates, I miss adult conversation. Talking to Mums on the school run - as nice as they are - isn't the same as the day in and out grind with workmates. The camaraderie as you get through whatever issue of the day is weighing you down. Why does every decision I make in life come with such a compromise? I keep telling myself that if I ever get a commission, then I'll have script editors to talk to - (gawd help them and their delicate ears) and it won't be such an isolating life. But at the moment - it is like I moved to another planet - certainly feels this way since the NYC job ended.

Plus, I'm not so good with new people. I am actually really shy. People who know me may just have spat out their coffee reading that line - but it is true. The loud girl is also the shy one. A paradox I know. Deep down there is something at the core of me that never feels quite good enough at anything I do. I wish I had all confidence in the world that my personality would suggest I have - but I don't. I meet other mothers and think they enjoy it more than me - that they 'know' things that I don't. I'm not at my most secure in the playground... I used to feel far more comfortable sweating under the lights, in a studio with 30 crew staring at me, being counted down to a live show by a producer in my ear. It was easier, I swear.

So I've changed my life to have more time - which I have - and yet... it still isn't the perfect fit. *sighs*  On the plus - I'm writing for Babble and now a new site called YourTango - which is all about love and sex and relationships and agony aunt type stuff which I LOVE. Because as shit as I am at solving my own life - I'm fabulous at everyone else's... So the blogging work is going great guns. The other writing stuff takes time - and I have NO patience.

Plus, leaving my job has meant that yes, I have less childcare costs but, I have a LOT less income. So people keep asking to me for drinks and do all this stuff - and I'm too embarrassed to say 'I can't.' Every penny I bring in is accounted for in a bill, a direct debit, and what is left is to go to party for my daughter's birthday party in December and Xmas gifts for the kids. There is NOTHING left over - for dinners out, clothes, make up - NADA. It is humiliating to not be able to just grab a few cocktails, or celebrate a friend's birthday - but when I say I have no money - I have NO money. My life is more on a budget than it has ever been. I know it is because Husband changed careers this year and I left my job - so it was going to have a knock on effect - and there have been incredible pluses in all this - but the downside is the penny pinching. It is a fucking BUZZ KILL. I keep worrying that this will never change - that I'll never end up with writing work and will be scrabbling around trying to find coins under the sofa for the rest of my days. *Sighs again.*

I feel like ever since I had kids I've been on this merry-go-round trying to work/be a mother/have a career/have a life. Since I have had kids I have not moved on in my career/had no money/given up my life. Ok the latter is a lie... There is no point in looking back - even though Husband said last week that I was 'short sighted' to spend my 20s as a TV presenter. Maybe - but I had a LOT of fun. Some of the best times of my life - so I'll never regret that. Plus, it afforded me to buy a flat in London - so it wasn't that 'short sighted.' But I envy those who knew where they were going and went there - had a dream, got the job, got the promotion, have the steady stable lives. And yet... I remember years and years ago - seeing a career's advisor who said my greatest problem (I have many obvs) was the fact that I craved stability whilst wanting an unpredictable and spontaneous career. A complete paradox. Again.

This year has been so great on so many levels - and I'm sure I just need another structured reality show job/writing commission to feel how I have done since I left my job in Feb. That I'm in 'transition' and I will come out the other side. It's just not easy. One the positive days I know this can be done - that all you need is your health, determination and a dash of luck. On bad days I think I am so far away from achieving goals I may as well be in space.

I also am aware that I have written this post or a variation of it - so many times that I AM BORING myself let alone you guys.

So I'll stop.

On a plus side - I have to write a blog that YourTango will syndicate once a month - from this here site. So I'll be getting my old agony aunt head on and being all wise and vaguely interesting at least once a month. Well, I'll try to, at the every least.

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