Beauty Bollocks

Apparently to rid myself of the golf-ball texture to my thighs I need to either visit a swish Dr based in Paris and subject myself to his advanced (expensive) laser treatment or begin to 'dry skin brush' for 20 -30 mins per day. To keep skin baby smooth I need to exfoliate twice a week. Massage daily. Drink 2 litres or more of water. Cover in mosituriser twice daily. To keep hair glossy and skin soft and plump I also need to eat 5 portions of veg a day (raw best, steamed better, slathered in butter - not at all). Along with protein, 'good' fats and some whole grains. Maybe take a B6, Vit C, Vit E, Fibre provider, well-being type supplement or 10. Brush my teeth after every meal. Floss for 15 minutes daily - make sure I get between every tooth and in every nook and cranny. Use a moisture mask/cleansing mask once a week in order to replace 'vital nutrients.' Maybe fit in a few facial exercises to stop my skin from sagging to my chest.

I should cleanse, tone and moisturise daily. Using a different mosituriser morning and night. Pluck eyebrows before they resemble Noel Gallagher on a bad day. Shave under arms and legs. Get lady garden waxed so no stray hairs escape while swimming and someone assumes a spider is making it's way down my leg. Have nails freshly manicured - along with a facial once a month. Maybe opt for an eyelash tint or perm. Make sure I am wearing the correct bra and get measured often as cup sizes frequently change - we are aiming for 2 breasts, not four spilling out of ill-fitting cups. Hair cut every 6 weeks, deep conditioning hair masks frquently to ward off split ends. Highlights 4 times a year minimum to stop the two tone look I am currently sporting. I haven't even begun with make-up, anti-aging products, serums lotions and potions to fake tan, anti-oxidate, replenish lost moisture, delay the aging process with micro-infusion-quick-absorbtion-derma-pigment-protection-laboratory-tested-unique-hydration-concentration etc etc. Lip plumpers, eyelash conditioning, skin dermabrations and eye serums all are necessary if I don't want to end up a haggard old bag by 40.

Who has the time in their day, or even their life to succumb to the beauty rituals required to have 'Gwyneth's hot bod!' 'Madonna's abs' and 'Sonia from Eastender's entire body transformation!!' (She still looks a bit odd). Most of these folk have trainers, chefs, housekeepers, beautitians, hairdressers and above all - magazine re-touchers to air brush them into perfection. We on the other hand, have wonderful women's mags to remind us of all the many things we should be doing in the quest for eternal youth, size 4 hips and Gwynnie style polished grooming. Gotta run - as I throw Grazia in the bin - I don't have time to read it - got a thigh to brush to oblivion.