Wednesday, 18 February 2009

From bad to worse....

Oh god where to start? I never knew I could cry so much and eat so little. The past few days have been beyond horrible. It feels like some cliched nightmare from which I don't wake up. The worst feeling is this knot of fear that swells daily and rises up making me almost wretch. I am wretched - and I don't know how to make this better. I feel so lost.

Ok - Sunday was movie-athon. The place I always turn to when life gets me down. Vicky Christina Barcelona,(luscious) He's Just not that into you (woeful - am glad I sneaked into that showing and didn't pay for it or I would have demanded my money right back) and oh yes - my life on screen - Revolutionary Rd. I came home to a cold indifferent husband and we proceeded to have row mark 5. I went to bed after calling him the C word and dissolved into tears.

I packed. Monday I left. I hugged Sproglet goodbye and bit my lip to stop from crying. Husband was quite civil telling me I needed days away to 'clear my head' and 'have time out.' My plan to make him wake up to how hard it is to be full time worker/mother/housekeeper etc somehow backfired. I drove to work in the new car and choked back sobs. They spilled out the moment I hit work and my lovely script eds noted my stuffed case and the fact I hadn't been on holiday. They rallied round and made me - once again - so blessed to be surrounded by such kindness. The day was thankfully busy and I left work with everyone, getting the train to a friend's house. It was so strange - almost a relief, not to have nursery to race to, the motorway to navigate, dinner to make. A stress headache that become a normality - disappeared. But no matter how hard I tried to feel upbeat the knot kept twisting. At Sam's she fed me comfort food and wine and told me to remain strong - Husband has to see the error of his ways etc. He had texted me that day - a pic of Sproglet covered in bolognaise - but I didn't reply. I was trying to be strong.

Bizarrely I slept well and then hurried to work - taking the wrong bus,getting lost as London and all it's sounds and smells assaulted my senses - it has been a while... As lovely as Sam's was (and she was amazing to me - her and her boyfriend) - I missed Sproglet, my bed, my home, my life. I felt all at sea. That moment when the world is buzzing round you and you feel entirely alone. You awake and before your day even begins a creeping sense of dread envelopes you. The knot rises...

Tuesday I called him and we spoke in short curt sentences. Then he asked if I was ok - was I relaxed (???) and having a good break. He made it sound like I was at a fucking spa. I explained that no, I wasn't too good, what with leaving my marriage and all, and that it was meant to be for HIM to think - for him to see how his endless hours and job from hell have driven this deep gorge between us. We snapped, he went silent, I hung up.

Today I texted him to say 'I miss you. I'm finding this all very hard.' He wrote back the most dreaded words ever to be said in a relationship: 'we need to talk.' My stomach sank to the floor and my legs actually wobbled. I rang him. He wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me any more - that I speak to him so badly and treat him so badly he just wasn't sure any more - he didn't know what he wanted. I fell to pieces. Oh thank god for my work mates to the rescue. They were just so sweet - soothing hugs and wise advice - just go home now. I told them I was scared. I didn't want to come home to see those soft brown eyes look at me with a total lack of emotion. I didn't want to face facts that he might not love me any more - how the hell did it come to this? How I am here? How???

So I drove home - I could hardly see I was crying so much. A work friend Abby had said - let him talk. You listen. Weird thing is - I'd been out on tues night at some poncy London club drinking martinis (my god - I felt like ME again for a minute - it tasted delicious) and met two gay guys (Husband usually calls me a fag hag and I take it as a compliment) and one said that when my husband wasn't listening to me it was because HE wanted to be HEARD. So I sat and listened. I listened to how psycho I have been -how he works so hard to provide for us and then I wake him after 4 hours sleep to help with Sproglet and he is tired and still I bitch - and how badly I speak to him - and you know - he is right. But he doesn't seem to see that I have been driven to this - that I didn't become this monster overnight.He doesn't think it is all down to his job. Maybe he is right.

I silently wept and he went continued - that he wants me to go to Belfast with Sproglet without him, that when I return we can 'move forward' but that he feels detached from me and no longer is sure if we can work it out. I quivered and explained how I felt overwhelmed and in not being able to cope - I stress out and lash out - and I accepted that residual angst left over from my childhood has raised it's head and I probably need a good dose of therapy. I accepted my part in this mess with good grace. I thought that might make him waver - he stood firm.

I tried to touch him and he recoiled. My heart literally broke. I felt winded. I sobbed that he was scaring me - that I have never seen him so cold, so removed from me. Who is this stranger in front of me - he looks like Husband, sounds like him, but it is like some i-robot has taken his place. He said that he has shut down - that he feels cut off from me - that normally my tears would move him - but now he just feels nothing. He doesn't want our marriage to continue if I stay the way I am.

He left to get food and I called his Mother. I knew they had talked last night. She was lovely and told me to let the dust settle. To go to Ireland and that the break will do us both good. He came home. I speak to him now like I spoke to Sproglet when he was about 5 months old: in soft soothing tones, in a meek and terrified way that I barely recognise. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't be myself. How long can this last?

He hid upstairs - where he resides as I type. I picked up Sproglet from nursery - he didn't come running to me like he normally does, he cried when I asked him to leave and put in a sterling performance tonight when I tried to bed him. He clearly is unsettled and that makes me feel like even more of a failure. I rang my reformed alcoholic Mother who preached to me how she had to change and now I do too. I raged at her - yes that rage appearing again - because I am not in control, because I don't know what else to be except angry. I need to let go of my past - I need to not be the scared rejected girl I once was - I need to not repeat my past and push the one I love most away. But how to do it? I can go and see someone - no problem - but what then? I do all the work and he carries on in this job - me pussy footing around him, scared to ask him to do anything for fear of being seen as a nag? Afraid to voice how I feel - how lonely and relentless it is to parent the way I do - and try and hold down a busy full time job?

How is this going to work? I always used to think 'that'll never happen to me' but here I am. In the throws of a crumbling marriage. I love him and yet I resent him too - for being so dismissive, so cold, so damn in control - while I am a blubbering wreck. I wish I knew which way to go - how to win him back and still make him want to change his damn job and spend more time with us - to admit maybe that he is scared to try and find another vocation that perhaps isn't as well paid. But before I can try - will he stop loving me first? Is a new clock ticking?

These days feel endless - it is hard to concentrate when everything feels upside down. Friends are supportive and offer wisdom but they only know my side. They aren't in my shoes and although they try - they have no idea what to say or how to get me out of this mess. Answers on a postcard please.... But to all who have sent love - I thank you - because as strange as it is to unload all this in cyber space - it helps. And those hugs and texts and emails and messages mean more than you will ever know.


Monica said...

Hi... Monica here. My husband and I are on pins and needles reading each new post of yours. Man, I just don't know what to say that would really mean much other than stay strong. This stuff has a way of working out for the best and perhaps you two will come out the other side a much stronger couple. Something had to give, right? At some point - Husband needs to hear you out too! Maybe after Ireland? We're sending love your way lady!

Crummy Mummy said...

Something had to give for sure. Thanks so much for your kind words. Even though I've never met you - I really appreciate your advice - as knowing you through your blog - I see that it comes from a really good place. My chin is up. Hope all good with you and gorgeous wee Violet. x