Kipper

Things have been pretty eventful at chez Crummymummy recently. We had a guest staying over for a night last week. A VIP guest no less, called 'Kipper.' Yes, Kipper, from the famous 'Kipper' books came home to us from school with Sproglet in a plastic case with a lovely green notebook, in which we had to detail all the exciting things Kipper got up to.

Except it was 6pm on a rainy Thursday evening, I had 3 scripts to read, was starving and was also due to meet a mate for coffee and had a Chinese laundry's worth of clothes to fold and put away. A quick flick through the notebook revealed that Kipper had had a pretty 5 star existence at the other kids' houses: building dens, making organic cookies, sleepovers at Nanna and Papa's houses, bowling, swimming, climbing, parties, bath times - Kipper had the life we all dream of. Oh sweet jesus, the pressure to give that fecking stuffed animal the time of it's life. I would have happily lied but Sproglet can't tell porkies bless him, so would have grassed me up the minute Kipper's diary was read out the following morning... I did consider burying Kipper in the garden and writing in the book that Kipper had given his life kindly, so no other parent had to go through such stress ever again. But Sproglet loved this manky stuffed animal and was so thrilled to claim ownership for the night that I felt obliged to play the game... I also debated writing in Kipper speak 'Sproglet's Mummy had a meltdown and rocked herself to sleep on the sofa with a bottle of Gordon's gin mumbling something about sex with Chuck Bass, but she has lovely sofa cushions' or the like but reasoned that Sproglet would be excluded from the school for life if I did...

So I stared at Husband - who was unusually off work - and pleaded with him to help me make Kipper's life more eventful than a weekend at Lindsay Lohan's, minus the drama. Even though it was freezing and Sproglet had already eaten high tea at nursery, we trudged down the road to a cosy fish restaurant to give Kipper some slap up nosh. After ice cream and chocolate drops for Kipper and two large glasses of vino for us, we staggered home, long after Sproglet's bedtime and still I insisted we all played hide and seek and swung Buzz Lightyear around for a bit. Must give Kipper soooooo much fun! Then we read Kipper books at bedtime while I scrawled some illegible story in the notebook trying to witty but coming across as a somewhat smug Kipper (who knew the endings to his books but didn't give the game away).

I've never been happier to say goodbye to a guest than when I chucked Kipper back into his placcy bag and sent him on his merry way the following morning. I'm hoping that one night was enough for his hairy wee self and he won't be vacationing at chez CM any time soon.

Sproglet meanwhile got bitten by a kid last week on the chest and today for some unknown reason bit his best mate on the nose, drawing blood. Great. My kid has become a vampire overnight. We did the 'no biting' chat tonight and he sobbed his heart out. His mate had apparently warranted losing a chunk of nose for declaring that Sproglet 'is not my best friend any more.' I may be wrong but I'm willing to bet Sproglet picked up this bad habit from last week's house guest. If you lay with dogs you get fleas and all that.

F**king Kipper.