Haven't we been here before??

I feel like the party is ending. Various Mums that I have been hanging with are all ambling off maternity leave and dipping their toes back into the buzzing world of work. Most are mightily relieved - they can be fab Mums between 7- 8:30am, 6:30 - 8:30pm and at weekends. The rest of the time they can converse with adults, wee in peace, make tea, feel challenged, make some cash and generally have some fun. Sure, they can feel guilty and feel like they have endless lists that never get ticked off and the stress of trying to run a home, make it to nursery on time etc but in general, they are returning to part of them that makes them who they are. No more looking at the clock realising it is only 9:35 AM and it feels like you have been up for half a day already. No more slushing up mashed yuk and endless wiping of tables, bottoms, noses, floors, any available surface. No more idle mind numbing conversation with a 'nice but dull' mother to fill the waking hours...

Do I envy them? What do you think? Husband and I have been a bit snippy of late. He peppers his conversation with the phrase 'I fund your lifestyle' which makes me want to headbutt him. What lifestyle? All my boozy lunches and shopathons? I think not. Problem is - for me to go back to work (having met up with my script ed gals a while back and discussed 2 of their new jobs) would mean somehow getting in to London every day and then working crazy hours (possibly on sets of dramas) which is impossible with Husband's job and childcare where we live. Nannies are insanely expensive and our house isn't big enough for an au pair - so we have no idea who would mind the kids (pre and post school for one) as nurseries shut at 6pm on the dot - and woe betide anyone who shows up after that time. Hello social services, kid on the doorstep...

Our marriage aint in the best of health when I try and work full time and DO IT ALL. I just have to read over this here blog to see the mistakes of the past - the ones that led us to Relate. The sad thing is I seem to be going on the same merry go round - leave my script ed job, have no idea what to do that will work with childcare, go back to script ed job, leave script ed job, have another child just to complicate things more, still worry about what to do to that will work with childcare...

I apologise. I feel a tad depressed today. Sproglet vomited his guts up last night - after a bad stomach episode as well - and thus is off school today. Naturally he was up at 5:50am - starving. It is pouring. Joy. All the Mums I know are pretty much at work, or on hols. Somehow they have managed to get careers that allow them the luxury of part time work OR the funds to fund a nanny. Where did I go wrong? I'm feeling a groundhog day coming on. Feed kids. Wash bottles. Empty dishwasher. Mush food for baby for lunch. Fold washing. Do washing. Tidy. Tidy. Tidy. Good god there has to be more to life than this? Do other Mums not get so bored they want to run out n front of traffic just to feel alive?? I love my daughter - she is the cutest thing alive, but she is also fairly high maintenance - wanting entertained every minute. Not unlike her Mother you might say. True.

I am off now to a boxing class for the first time in my life where I will take out all my confusion, frustration and aggression on some poor partner. On Sunday I go away alone for 3 nights, to have some space, some time to try and work out what the fuck to do. I feel raging guilt and fear already about leaving the kids with their Dad - wonder how I will cope with missing them so madly. The other half of me wonders if in fact I may decide never to come back.

Not really. Of course I will come back. To groundhog day, to occasional bouts of loneliness and to my childrens' amazing smiles.