Ok, maybe it's time for me to be a bit more honest. See, I wasn't into blogging because I thought 'what is the point of blogging, if I am going to keep secrets?' Totally defeats the purpose. But then I kept thinking of folk who read this blog who I know, folk who don't like me, etc and thinking how I really didn't want people to just have a good old chortle at my life. Oh ho ho, CM is having a shit time! Looks like her career is up the left and she's broke! I'd feel bad for her if my diamond shoes weren't so tight and my wallet could no longer hold my £50s... I also felt a bit ashamed, for many reasons, and a failure in lots of ways.
I am on anti-depressants. Yep, I am back on the pills. There, I said it.
I am completely convinced that having a baby does something chemically to me, and that about 8 months or so after having one my head kind of melts down. I am sure it is chemical because not one single thing has changed in my life, not one, since I started taking them - but my god I feel a whole world of better! I still have moments of feeling a tad blue occasionally, but it is more of a 'oh, that sucks, big deal' feeling than a gut wrenching, tormented angst that used to spasm through me.
It all came to head a week ago on Tuesday. Funnily enough, the day I took my first pill, I got my period that evening. So my PMT just about sent me over the edge. I realised I had cried every day for weeks. That aint normal. That I struggled with stuff that really isn't that big. Every day would overwhelm me. Fear of not finding work, fear of finding work and hating it, fear of never getting away from my kids, fear of getting away from them and never seeing them. Realising I am not really that interested in script editing any more, but not quite sure of how to proceed, as the bills keep a'coming. I felt like all my friends have their lives sorted - great jobs, fab homes, success, success, success, and I am here, unemployed, at a kind of dead end in my tv career. Again.
Firstly, I really need to stop comparing my life to others because it is MY life. One I am proud of, with a whole variety of experiences that mean I am a pretty fun dinner party guest. And that is enough for me, it really is. Secondly, my Mother in Law is here and she tells me daily that I give myself a hard time. So that has got to change. I met with some Mums yesterday who I have known for years and all of them had no idea what they were doing and how to make it all work either - suddenly I realised it aint just me who struggles with the whole work/kid dilemma - there are a whole army of women out there who are vastly skilled and would love to working, and have time to see their bairns.
But those few days before I took a tablet, were so damn hard. I swallowed down tears at everything. I flinched when anyone spoke. Things that I thought I had got over made me sad - like seeing an old friend who now hates me and briefly congratulating her on her pregnancy. I walked away in tears, so so sad that this is how it was with us now. Sad that someone I care about, who I thought knew me well - well enough to know I would never hurt her intentionally - can dislike me so, when I thought I had put it behind me. Seems that I am far more vulnerable than I thought.
I wasn't really eating. Life felt grey. I felt lost. I put on a false smile when I saw my friends and then would cry all the way home on the train. It is easy to pretend you are ok if no one challenges you, if no one asks. So I did what I thought was right, and I am so so glad I did. Nothing has changed in my day to day life. I don't have any more answers to my (endless?) job issues. I don't have any money in my bank. Winter marches taking a little bit more light, a little bit earlier every day. But I am ok. More than ok. I am loving my daughter with a newfound vigour. I am throwing out my CV and am not caring too much where it lands. I have hope again. Feck me, you are nothing without your health and hope.
So, that's where I'm at. 5 weeks to Halloween. Woo hoo!