Monday, 25 June 2012

Dear Gwynnie

Every week or so Gwynnie's GOOP drops into my mailbox and I open it with glee. Always interesting to see how the other half live and all. Often it makes me chuckle - you know, how Gwynnie tells us our capsule wardrobe should just be a mere $12,000 for a mac here and some espadrilles there... Or when she talks about doing the 'Clean' diet and bowel elimination and stuff - where you eat some powder and leaves for a few weeks and strangely you do lose weight! Or when she assumes that we all have thousands of dollars to drop to stay in swanky hotels and eat at all the luxurious restaurants where the chefs know her by name.  Sometimes I ohh and ahh over her Oscar dress and make up tips, and her totally glam lifestyle.

On the whole I am sure she has our best interests at heart. Husband met her when she came in the bar he once ran, for a Johnny Depp private party - and said she swore and drank and was hilarious - he thinks we would get on... Thing is, I don't want to slag off other women - we have enough men to to this for us. At the end of the say she is just striving for a better life, like us all - but, and there is a but - for the love of god Gwynnie, will you just give it a rest that you are 'the same as us.'  I almost want to pen her a small letter:

Dear Gwyneth,

Sorry to drop you a line as I am sure you are busy with your transatlantic flights, Met balls, Oscar parties, trying on outfits for a publicity tour (which if I recall correctly, broke you out in a sweat!) but I just wanted to ask a small favour. Most of us don't own million dollar homes in LA and London; we can hardly afford to feed ourselves and our families in this recession, never mind take in some dinner at Zuma in London (let alone Hong Kong) and we barely have time to shave our pits, (nor our fannies)  or begin to style our hair in some up do, so please don't pretend that you know how we feel.

In your latest email you show a picture of yourself described as a 'bedraggled working mother' - who just so happens to be sitting in first class, with her $300 headphones and all kinds of lotions and potions to ward off any bugs from other mere mortals on your flight. That is not how the majority of us live. If you wanna see working mothers who are bedraggled, check out someone who has done a night shift pulling chicken giblets out of chickens' asses all night, and still makes breakfast for her kids and gets them to school.  Or any mother who hasn't got a nanny, housekeeper, cleaner and support network of staff - and still has to check heads for nits at every bath time.

If we travel, it is usually with said kids - and a tonne of calpol, squished into a battery hen style seat in economy, wishing to god we could stick in some headphones, but finding that A. we never get a chance because we have to mind our kids, or B said kids have chewed the feckers apart. Who needs music anyway? We don't get to choose what shite we eat on a plane - we are in fact lucky if the kids sit still long enough to shove a cold slice of salmonella ravaged ham down our gullets - and as for the blazer suggestion you make to keep us 'looking sharp' we feel blessed if upon arrival we have managed to keep any inch of clothing clean from vomit/juice/bogies/saliva/felt tipped pens. We don't wear leather hotpants or Alexander Wang tanks, we usually opt for a any clean T shirt in black we have managed to find through the piles of laundry we have yet to iron, I mean fold - in order to hide the aforementioned stainage.

I am glad you have gotten pretty good at flying. I have too - and by that I mean I have gotten good at not crying and having a breakdown mid flight at the stress of trying to silence a wailing screeching toddler who refuses to sleep. Unlike you I do drink when flying - it is a form of self medication and nerve preservation.

Sadly I don't have time to stop for Miso soup in terminal 5 - countering radiation isn't high on my priority list - just getting on the damn plane on time usually is.

I know you are great at cooking, acting, singing, mothering, home decor, flower styling and having a super dooper body - all of which I am decidedly average at (mind you I can pick a good cushion!) but if you wouldn't shove this all down our necks so often - we would like you that ickle bit more. We know you have a fabbo glam life. It looks ace. But it aint the same as ours - not one jot. Maybe Goop is meant for all those Sunday Times Readers who can afford the holidays on the back pages - and so maybe I am not your aimed readership. But as a mother who tries her best, one can't help but feel a complete failure at all the activities above in comparison. If you just acknowledged your rarified life - and didn't try and be 'down with us all' we'd all be much happier.

Happy flying!


1 comment:

Liz said...

I went and read this. Um, airline pajamas? The the f are those??? Sky couch, lounges with showers, crazy expensive clothes...she is so out of touch. Surely, she is speaking to the rich and famous, right? No way she thinks she is like us. Two things i liked - the crazy patterened bag for $200 and the customs website! USEFUL tips and neither came from her.