Thursday, 13 December 2012

Dear Santa.... Taylor Kitsch in baby oil would be a great start to 2013

In sprit of all things festive here are ten things on my fantasy Xmas list (it aint about the cha-ching-cha-ching or the ba-bling- ba-bling) it's about stuff that makes me feel fabulous:

Dear Santa

I have been pretty good this year. well, apart from my occasional meltdowns, my inability to flush out my potty mouth and PMT charged rants at Husband - I have been just lovely. I always remember my manners (apart from when driving) and I try to be nice to my fellow men and women (apart from when driving). I am fairly sure I am on your nice list - so keep that in mind while you gather the below to fill your large sack before jumping down my chimney.

I would like (in no particular order):

1. Taylor Kitsch semi-naked wrapped in babyoil.  And that nice loin cloth thing he wore in John Carter - the film that I think only I saw at the cinema. Well, it was Mother's Day and Sproglet had just thrown up ice cream all over the local restaurant's floor - so we went to the movies with sick bucket in hand. Did I mention Santa that I met Taylor this year? Oh yes - March 29th. I think he'd remember me out of the millions of journos that politely asked about the gigantic turkey that was Battleship that day. I can make Taylor feel better about his falling star - as I still think he is a fab actor - even with the sound turned off.

So it would help us both I think, if you could deliver him to me. just for one night. Husband has agreed to this - he is my 'free pass.'  *smiles just thinking about it*

2. Willpower. Especially where cake is concerned. To feel that it is not my duty to finish every morsel on a plate, every bottle of wine that I open, every piece of food offered at work in celebration of whatever. To start running again in spring and to continue and not just give up and turn back to slobbing on the sofa watching box sets and eating the aforementioned cake. Therefore I will lose the 10 pounds I have gained since last chrimbo. That would be swell.

3. A great pair of black ankle boots that can be worn every day, suit both jeans and dresses and also are uber comfortable and do not make me feel like I am about to fall tits first onto the floor. I have searched but the holy grail of boots defies me.

Biker boots excluded - I am talking about a heeled pair that don't make your feet ache - have lace ups, are a bit chunky, a bit rough and make your legs look thin and endless. I cannot find these babies anywhere - mind you have nay money to buy them even if I did. I do love these beauties - by Tory Burch, but they are beyond my budget and last season I think. But they are mighty fine.

4. A holiday. Make that two. Well, it is a fantasy list so I'm allowed right? One weekend in Rome (for I have never been) with Husband - where we walk cobbled streets, drink red wine, and maybe remember to have sex. Ahhh. Ohhh and I could read a book too. And take in a bit of culture. And eat ice cream and a LOT of pasta. The other holiday we'll bring the rugrats - so somewhere with white sands and clear sea and an amazing kids club that stays open 24 hours. I feel more relaxed just thinking about it....

5. Lots and lots of hot, healthy, happy, baggage-free single men to rain from the skies, for all my single mates who deserve some love in their lives. I know so many great women who are single and so few good men to set them up with. We need to address the balance here Santa. Get on it.

6. A great massage. Not some woman rubbing a bit of oil across your shoulders and telling you that it is infused with virgin roses or whatnot - nope - a right good pummelling with fingers like mini power tools, so the next day you ache. It has been many many moons since I had a good massage and Husband refuses to give them. But when you have had a good one - there is nothing better. NOTHING.

7. White Company candles. The winter one is AMAZING. And maybe some of their cashmere bedsocks, or jammies. Because as we all know, you can never have too many pairs of PJs. Fact. And what is Xmas for but sitting around in your PJs eating giant toblerones. Plus, I want my life to be like the freakin' White company - and sadly, it is not... in ANY way.

8. Seeing as it is Xmas - there is nothing better than a Christmas Hamper. Fizz, crackers, yummy cheeses and quince, chocs and truffles, jams and pates - all wrapped in a fab hamper that you can then drag out every time you have a picnic. So once a year I guess.  I won one years ago in some ballot and it cheered me up no end. Every time I head into Waitrose I want someone to buy me one, but they never do. The Duchy one (the company wot Prince Charles owns) do a fabulous one. I'm not gonna even get started on their oatcakes - but if you have never tried them - give yourself a little festive treat.

9. One of those things to take all the dead skin off your feet. Sorry, is that a bit gross Santa? You should see my heels though... tougher than a Dickensian street urchin's. I can't afford a pedi - so one of these wee gadgets would be fab. Then I could sit on the sofa watching my Breaking Bad box set, eating my toblerone and sanding my soles. Bliss.

10. More time in my day. Preferably for sleep.

Thanks Santa - and have a merry old Xmas yourself. Pies and port will be waiting for you on xmas eve (extra large glass if you manage to get me this lot).

Much love and festive cheer,

Crummy Mummy xx

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