So, remarkably - I've managed to get out a bit, this here festive season. It is a bit of a heady time - slightly removed from reality with all the cheer and bonhomie oozing from everyone. Folk are a bit giddy at the thought of being able to throw on a bit of tinsel and sing some dodgy classics - escaping the rat race to eat whole terry's oranges for breakfast. A warmth pervades the air, heavy with the smell of cheap wine and tequila shots.
In the midst of all this - someone turned my head.
Now before you start wagging your fingers at me pointing out that I am married - I am well aware I am married. I loved him so much I married the fecker twice - and we've been together 12 years next year and yes, I wear my ring - so this I know. Thank you. The thing that shocked me most was the fact someone could turn my head. You see, it don't often turn. The only other time I think it did a spin was meeting Taylor Kitsch (obvs). If your head doesn't spin meeting Tim Riggins, then frankly you don't have a pulse.
I digress. I found myself *whispers* flirting like a teenager on heat. It was all very odd. Odd and tingly. It seemed to be reciprocated as every time he could he reached out and touched my arm, my back, my hand...
This never happens to me. Why?
Well... No1. Because I never find anyone attractive. I just don't. I was single (on and off - a few minor dalliances here and there) for 6 years before I met Husband. I just never liked anyone enough to take it past the 3 months stage. Also, I never really liked anyone who liked me (but let's not get all psychoanalytical on this one). Plus, since I met Husband I kind of shut off any side of me that dipped into 'flirtatious' territory. I am utterly loyal. I don't flit from man to man to feed my ego. I'm happy with what I've got thanks.
No. 2 I can't really flirt - I don't remember if I ever even knew how to - I'm all bumbling nervous blushes and awkward sentences and sweaty palms.
No. 3 Everyone who meets me knows I am married with kids and that kind of kills any potential flirting - why would you flirt with someone who is taken? Unless of course you are a player....
Which he was. Is. Anyway - it fried my head a bit. Because in almost 12 years I've never had a connection with anyone else. Never been a party without Husband and had some guy come on to me (or at least have never been attracted back), or stolen a kiss with a colleague at an xmas do, or had a drunken one night stand on a work trip. Nothing remotely like that. I did kiss a girl once in Amersterdam who I had a major crush on (her voice sounded like syrup through gravel) and she was an amazing comedian. We're still friends to this day - and she came with her girlfriend to our wedding. Husband thinks she is hilarious. Anyway... it felt like an out of body experience - something I am not. Something alluring.
I immediately told Husband. He doesn't possess a jealous bone in his body, sadly. His response: 'the guy doesn't live with you.' Fair comment.
Now for the record - nothing happened. Seriously. A few emails. Was I tempted? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. Not because I don't love my Husband. Not because my marriage is in difficulties - not at all. But because it all felt so new and exciting - and I wasn't talking about kids and bills and lack of money and chores and who should buy the sodding christmas gifts. You get to be that interesting person again... The one who tells witty stories with fabulous punchlines about 'that time Will Smith taught me to salsa...' It is like being young again. Young and single and SOMEONE IS ATTRACTED TO ME GODDAMMIT!
It isn't real. Maybe that is why it is so intoxicating. It made me realise how people DO have affairs. Not that I would have - not that I did. But it is just a moment. That is all it takes. A little door opens - and wham - you could so easily get addicted to the flattery, the new-ness, the attention.
But it aint me. I need to look my Husband in the eye and know I have been faithful. There is something at my very core that remains loyal and in love with the idea that we have been together all this time and are still charging through the battle of kids etc together. As I write Husband bent and kissed my neck as he passed me and I asked what the kiss was for and he said 'because you are my wife.' I have been for 8 years and I intend to go on being.
So what if I had followed through with the flirtation? Texted, arranged to meet - had clandestine moments fuelled by lust - to be followed by eternal regret and shame... To face Husband knowing I wasn't the person he loved, the person who said those vows. Everyone always says I'm an open book - it is all on the table - what you see is what you get. Maybe that's why I have no shame in writing this blog. And any fucker who says they have never been tempted by another in 12 years of a relationship - then you are made of stone. Or have no libido. One or t'other.
There was a part of me - a ridiculous part - who for a second imagined my single self. The moment you unwrap someone new - the eroticism of such an encounter. Your fingers not coated with baby poo and your hair not matted and unbrushed. Being that person again - the one with the throaty laugh and dirty jokes - who has time for brazilians and to buy fabulous underwear. To even throw on fake tan and eyeliner.... and care what you wear. Remember that girl?
For a moment I wanted to be her. To be intoxicated by another - someone unknown, unexplored, untouched.
But I realised immediately I am not built for such foolishness. I have invested too much time and love and sweat and heart into my relationship and even though it aint perfect - it is a work in progress - not something I want to tarnish or destruct.
I left the Player alone. Maybe I'm wrong to blog about this. All you finger waggers can wag. I did nothing wrong and even if I had - who are you to judge?
Marriage is hard work. It would be too easy to pursue the Player - and have some tacky tasteless moment - that is just a temporary ego boost. Worthless. To be that girl again? Funnily enough, that girl just wanted to be me. To wake up with someone who loves me unconditionally. A family to nurture and raise. A life shared in every way. I am here and it tastes a helluva lot better than any brief flirtation. But I thank the Player - because he reminded me what is important in life. Why the Players stay single long into their 30s, and why the more safe path, the one filled with nappies and chores and a lack of romance - it may not electrify with excitement - but it sure does bring a lifetime of joy.
In the midst of all this - someone turned my head.
Now before you start wagging your fingers at me pointing out that I am married - I am well aware I am married. I loved him so much I married the fecker twice - and we've been together 12 years next year and yes, I wear my ring - so this I know. Thank you. The thing that shocked me most was the fact someone could turn my head. You see, it don't often turn. The only other time I think it did a spin was meeting Taylor Kitsch (obvs). If your head doesn't spin meeting Tim Riggins, then frankly you don't have a pulse.
I digress. I found myself *whispers* flirting like a teenager on heat. It was all very odd. Odd and tingly. It seemed to be reciprocated as every time he could he reached out and touched my arm, my back, my hand...
This never happens to me. Why?
Well... No1. Because I never find anyone attractive. I just don't. I was single (on and off - a few minor dalliances here and there) for 6 years before I met Husband. I just never liked anyone enough to take it past the 3 months stage. Also, I never really liked anyone who liked me (but let's not get all psychoanalytical on this one). Plus, since I met Husband I kind of shut off any side of me that dipped into 'flirtatious' territory. I am utterly loyal. I don't flit from man to man to feed my ego. I'm happy with what I've got thanks.
No. 2 I can't really flirt - I don't remember if I ever even knew how to - I'm all bumbling nervous blushes and awkward sentences and sweaty palms.
No. 3 Everyone who meets me knows I am married with kids and that kind of kills any potential flirting - why would you flirt with someone who is taken? Unless of course you are a player....
Which he was. Is. Anyway - it fried my head a bit. Because in almost 12 years I've never had a connection with anyone else. Never been a party without Husband and had some guy come on to me (or at least have never been attracted back), or stolen a kiss with a colleague at an xmas do, or had a drunken one night stand on a work trip. Nothing remotely like that. I did kiss a girl once in Amersterdam who I had a major crush on (her voice sounded like syrup through gravel) and she was an amazing comedian. We're still friends to this day - and she came with her girlfriend to our wedding. Husband thinks she is hilarious. Anyway... it felt like an out of body experience - something I am not. Something alluring.
I immediately told Husband. He doesn't possess a jealous bone in his body, sadly. His response: 'the guy doesn't live with you.' Fair comment.
Now for the record - nothing happened. Seriously. A few emails. Was I tempted? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. Not because I don't love my Husband. Not because my marriage is in difficulties - not at all. But because it all felt so new and exciting - and I wasn't talking about kids and bills and lack of money and chores and who should buy the sodding christmas gifts. You get to be that interesting person again... The one who tells witty stories with fabulous punchlines about 'that time Will Smith taught me to salsa...' It is like being young again. Young and single and SOMEONE IS ATTRACTED TO ME GODDAMMIT!
It isn't real. Maybe that is why it is so intoxicating. It made me realise how people DO have affairs. Not that I would have - not that I did. But it is just a moment. That is all it takes. A little door opens - and wham - you could so easily get addicted to the flattery, the new-ness, the attention.
But it aint me. I need to look my Husband in the eye and know I have been faithful. There is something at my very core that remains loyal and in love with the idea that we have been together all this time and are still charging through the battle of kids etc together. As I write Husband bent and kissed my neck as he passed me and I asked what the kiss was for and he said 'because you are my wife.' I have been for 8 years and I intend to go on being.
So what if I had followed through with the flirtation? Texted, arranged to meet - had clandestine moments fuelled by lust - to be followed by eternal regret and shame... To face Husband knowing I wasn't the person he loved, the person who said those vows. Everyone always says I'm an open book - it is all on the table - what you see is what you get. Maybe that's why I have no shame in writing this blog. And any fucker who says they have never been tempted by another in 12 years of a relationship - then you are made of stone. Or have no libido. One or t'other.
There was a part of me - a ridiculous part - who for a second imagined my single self. The moment you unwrap someone new - the eroticism of such an encounter. Your fingers not coated with baby poo and your hair not matted and unbrushed. Being that person again - the one with the throaty laugh and dirty jokes - who has time for brazilians and to buy fabulous underwear. To even throw on fake tan and eyeliner.... and care what you wear. Remember that girl?
For a moment I wanted to be her. To be intoxicated by another - someone unknown, unexplored, untouched.
But I realised immediately I am not built for such foolishness. I have invested too much time and love and sweat and heart into my relationship and even though it aint perfect - it is a work in progress - not something I want to tarnish or destruct.
I left the Player alone. Maybe I'm wrong to blog about this. All you finger waggers can wag. I did nothing wrong and even if I had - who are you to judge?
Marriage is hard work. It would be too easy to pursue the Player - and have some tacky tasteless moment - that is just a temporary ego boost. Worthless. To be that girl again? Funnily enough, that girl just wanted to be me. To wake up with someone who loves me unconditionally. A family to nurture and raise. A life shared in every way. I am here and it tastes a helluva lot better than any brief flirtation. But I thank the Player - because he reminded me what is important in life. Why the Players stay single long into their 30s, and why the more safe path, the one filled with nappies and chores and a lack of romance - it may not electrify with excitement - but it sure does bring a lifetime of joy.
6 comments:
Brilliant, brilliant blog CM. Not many who would be so honest and I bet there's more than a few married people nodding their heads in recognition...
Brilliant title for this blog and I laughed out loud at your husband's comment of 'he doesn't live ad my head with you'! I admire your honesty, I've not had my head turned by another, I love my husband dearly and would never inflict that kind of pain on him, I just couldn't bear to, but I have thought that if I was suddenly single, I'd be more confident about dating than when I was in my teens and twenties and even early thirties. I not swap my husband and two kids for anything, even on the crappy, I'm trapped and my life is mundane and all I do is change nappies and smell of sick days, the days where I really don't know where the person I was has gone to, not even for a second. Merry Christmas x x
I should check before I hit the send button, I meant I laughed out loud at the part where he said 'but he doesn't live with you' - sorry!
Good for you for never 'inflicting that kind of pain' on your husband. I'd warrant you haven't been together for 12 years. Personally I think finding others attractive is only normal and the fact one is honest about it is frankly healthy. Husband always admits to finding other women attractive and I don't object to this. To think that for the rest of a marriage you will NEVER find another attractive is absurd. I wrote this blog not to be judged... But rather to admit to my own failings and also the lessons one can learn in those moments. To perhaps hit a nerve with folk who have ever been through the same. And to remind myself why I never dated egotistical men....
Oh CM, I'm sorry, I didn't really write what I meant very well, I meant I would never cheat, inflict that kind of pain, and I didn't mean you were or would neither was I judging you. Sorry again.
Great blog post! I've been married for twelve years, together with S for almost 15, and I think you make the point beautifully that while conjuring up "that girl" is fun and exciting, neither she nor the player make a lifetime of happiness. There really is something about being "in the trenches" with a husband and kids...I've been asked out a few times since I've been married and certainly had my head turned - I honestly would be a bit disturbed if I hadn't! As long as I remain loyal and he does as well (which I believe we will) I am grateful for the reminder of who I once was now and again!
Post a Comment