Thursday, 21 February 2013

Mean Girl - saucer of milk for the table in the corner!!

*Hacks and splutters like a 90 year old 2 packs a day Marlboro smoker - who ripped off the filters*.

I have a cough/flu thing. It's making me feel all achy and sore and grouchy and mean. So forgive me - this is a mean girl, self pity party - and if you don't like it - tune on out now.

Ok, so you're still here. Gawd bless you. This week I had my bi-annual meltdown. Sometimes I have fewer than that - but this week it just all got on top of me. Obviously I was coming down with this virus/flu thang and that combined with half term holidays tiredness (why do schools ever have a break - I mean really, do they have to??) and the fact I studied my finances - sent me over the edge. After I pay nursery fees (£1102 in case you ask), bills, mortgage, tv license, mobile and stuff - do you know who much I have left to spend each month?

Guess. Go on.

Be you are thinking a few hundred.


Nor a £100.

Only £24. Yep - £24 A MONTH. That won't buy me a trip to the dentist, a hair cut, a new top or even lunch out with the kids. So I threw in the towel. Told Husband something has to give. How on earth did we go from being ok to this? Ahh yes, child at nursery plus his paycut - and voila!

I've had enough. When Sproglet's curtain pole fell down in his room I just sobbed, thinking 'Husband can't DIY his way out of a fecking box, and we can't afford to get this fixed.' How did it come to this? How did I GET HERE?? WHERE THE HELL DID I GO WRONG?

I've been trying to save some money on the side - from writing work - to pay for some drinks at my 40th party in April. I think I am trying to dilute the fact I am 40 by partying and thus forgetting that the reason I have to have the party is actually because, dear god, I am 40... (I should be paying for the patch of stones/bush outside the front of the house to be tidied - yes make the tidy your bush jokes now, go on... We do look like the pikeys of the street - and our front door pane has broken - and the glass was made in the 1890s or something so you can't get it any more - JOY - to replace costs a mere £600. The broken pane may well be there for another 6 years methinks...) But I figure that my mates deserve a drink for putting up with my bleatings for so long...  I really want to afford to buy them all a margarita and say 'cheers, thanks for being there you lovely people you.' But can I get writing work??? Can I heck. I pitched to a woman at Boots magazine this week - bounding full of ideas, and she asked what I'd done before (bear in mind this wasn't me trying to write for the New Yorker - this is a SHOP magazine) and when I told her - radio silence.

Then I thought, you know, there are so many good writers out there - I'll take a peek at a few blogs - cos some - like The Girl Who - are amazing. So I flicked through a few - you know ones who get 270,000 hits... OH SWEET JAYSUS. Who are these people??? One woman writes about 'hubbie and 2 kids' and how she likes tea and do you like tea and wow here is me drinking some tea. And I lost the will to live at the third sentence. (Told you this was a mean girl girl post). There are stories of a great dinner! Craft things to do! The kids prefer my husband's phone :( and such other drivel. But it gets 270,000 hits!!! WHY????

I must be going wrong somewhere - not just in life, but even in the way I write... I've pitched to Babble a fair few times - but again - radio silence. Is it me, do I offend?  It is just so hard to find the time to do stuff, when I work full time, have to bath and bed the kids and then think of how I am going to carve out a career in writing... Only then to be met with *tumbleweed goes past*.

Maybe I should just give up and I don't know.... Blog about tea. How much I like it. And call my Husband 'Hubbie' and dissolve into blandness.

Normally I'm pretty chipper. Normally I see the glass being beyond half full - brimming over with possibilities in fact. But today, in the midst of my sickness, feeling broke and rejected - I don't feel positive at all. I feel spent. I often wonder how other people do it - and do it all so well. This career change thing, the money thing, the juggling family with kids thing. The carving out writing jobs thing... I salute you, I really do.

Right, I'm taking my mean girl flat ass, and my hacking spluttering cough and I'm going to sweat it all out in a bath the size of Britain. And maybe some day soon, I'll regain my sense of humour... Take care.

CM x


jkelsofarrell said...

You don't want to write for Babble. It's the most insipid of sites. Essentially every author publishes one of five articles over and over.

Avoid the bland! Don't try to make blogging a career. Don't "brand" yourself. That's the quickest way to suckitude. Even The Girl Who (who I have read for years and years) has become a less vibrant version of herself as she's gone the way of the mommy blog.

Crummy Mummy said...

Thanks for your comment. You know, I get that some of these Mom websites are beyond bland - but the thing is, I do still think you can have your own blog - your own 'take' on things, and still write for anyone and everyone.

I applaud Monica greatly for being able to make a career from writing - and envy how she now has time with her family by working from home.

I work full time on a British TV show and it is full on! Every day is a race to get to places on time, to pick up on time, to get everyone dressed and out the door, and back in the door and in bed again.

I often wish I had a simpler way of doing things - one that involved me being able to write for home - even if it was writing on websites that specialised in bathroom taps!

I wouldn't alter my blog itself - I always want it to be as honest as possible. I wouldn't brand it. I don't think there is much market for almost 40 something mothers who drink too much wine...

I guess what I'm trying to say - is no one wants to 'sell out' or lose the integrity of their writing - but is it possible to do both? Not everyone can be Caitlin Moran! Some folk have to straddle as many opportunities as they can. I just wish I had more opportunity full stop!

Thanks for still reading - glad you are there.

jkelsofarrell said...

I read your blog for the same reason I read Monica's. I'd love to sit down with either one of you over a pint and just talk. Your honesty is refreshing in a sea of women pretending that their lives are perfect, their kids hyper intelligent, their spouses Hollywood ideals.

I admit, I don't have kids so when bloggers go all kid/family centric it does bore me. But your blog never bores!

I don't have any answers. I'm a college professor and barely have time to eat let alone blog.

Courtney said...

I hate - HATE - babble. I read the Girl Who as well but don't click over when she or Serge write for babble. Honestly, unless you are willing to write in slideshow format about the Ten Worst Foods for weight loss, babble isn't going to accept your pitch. You have a great voice and are a wonderful writer - you just need to find your audience. I've had a lot of friends do the freelance thing and it doesn't exactly work out as idyllic for most of them - a lot of fighting to get paid at all, work drying up, ridiculous taxes (in the States) - trust me, I'm sitting here on my couch, felled by a hideous stomach flu, missing work, and we are struggling with money as well - it will improve. Somehow, someway - we find our way out of these pits. I believe that, truly.