Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Asking Oprah

In 4 weeks I will be 40.


I am slightly terrified by this event for many reasons, but mainly because I thought that I'd be you know, kind of sorted by 40. In my groove - on a career trajectory - when I kind of still have no idea where I am going... Should I try and do this, or that - but I don't really want to do what everyone else seems to be doing - which is what I should be doing if I want to be a script editor - but I don't know.. I just don't know. Mind you - I did hear this song on the radio the other day - some Baz Luhrmann thing about Everyone Should Wear Sunscreen - and he did say that lots of great people have no idea what they are doing at 25 - but the most interesting folk at 40 still had no clue. I'm sure Baz is a complete expert on this - and knows what he is talking about (can't wait for Gatsby!) so I must be WILDLY interesting. Beyond so.

Meanwhile folks keep asking what I'd like for a present... Not wishing to sound ungrateful, rude or downright spoilt - genuinely, these are the things I need in my life right now - but I am not that sure that all of them can be bought....

1. A great bra. Feck me, but I'm shoving my bazookas into worn 'old lady' bras (as Husband calls them). 'Flesh' coloured (the most offensive colour of all methinks) and rippling across the cup - these bad boys have been around longer than my 2 year old. It really is time that I got measured again - and supported in the way that women with a D+ cup need to be. At least bra off, they still remain upwards - but too much longer in these excuses for underwear/underwire and my nipples may hit my knees....

2. My hall painted and a new carpet. Dull, I know. But my daughter has 'brushed the teeth' of all the walls - and drawn on them. There are tea stains and an inexplicable white stain that looks like someone barfed and forgot to clear it up - that ironically was made when I borrowed a CARPET CLEANER from a friend. It is also all shades of cappuccino - i.e. WRONG. Every day I wish for a hall make-over. Every freakin' day.

3. More time in my day. For sleeping and reading articles and books I never get to read. And box sets I still have to watch (Game of thrones anyone? Oh and Breaking Bad).

4. The BLOODY FUCKING rain to stop. And the cold to bugger off too. So as I can get out running again. Oh yes - running socks! Need those. And the weather to get out and about in. At the mo all I want to do is eat Lindt Easter bunnies (meant for the kids, but ends up down my gullet) and drink tea. Or guzzle a hearty red. Enough winter - you have had your fun and games and now it is time to begone and let Spring damn well sprung.

5. I need a holiday fund to go away for a weekend with my girls from school - I have known forever - in a 'we are 40 but still can sink cocktails and laugh' way. To prove that mentally we are all 17 even if we don't quite look it. We have talked about this for years and 2 of them have saved every month (they are uber smug). I of course expected to win the lottery by now - and instead childcare at 1K per month that I solely pay - has just about ruined me. Bitter - no! In Germany childcare is 9% of a couple's wage. Here - 33.3%. Something is mighty wrong - but that is another whole blog....

6. I am just about to run out of foundation and perfume. Two things that are hard to justify spending money on - unless they are bought for you. Otherwise, even though I am (gulp) almost 40 and need some help in the 'smoothing out fine lines' department - and a daily spray of something fabulous always lifts the spirits - I can't quite justify spending £38 on the new Armani Maestro Fusion foundation just because India Knight swears by it. (Wasn't she swearing by £5 mineral foundation about a year ago? Maybe she just got a big pay check...).  In wicked timing - I also have sprouted two amazing spots - they are in line with each other on my face. They mock me as I stick Q tips into my foundation bottle, foraging for the last drips to cover these monstrosities.

7. A mentor. I would like someone to take me aside and have a word in my shell like - telling me what to do and what not to do. My own personal career's adviser. I'd make them great tea or a great martini. I would even stop talking and listen. It is possible, even though many doubt it.

8. Someone left a lovely comment on my blog saying that they liked my writing - I just need to find my audience. So I would like my audience for my birthday thanks.  More twitter followers and blog readers and all that jazz.... I actually am planning to tweet Oprah on the eve of my 40th, in the hope she takes pity on me, retweets my blog and before I know it - I am writing for lots of fabulous people - about anything and everything - and I finally have my calling. Then my mentor can go home and come back next time I have a career crisis. Ohhh maybe Oprah will want Crummy Mummy who Shrinks in her mag... That would be AWESOME. So Oprah retweeting me. Isn't much to ask for a 40th birthday, now is it?

Before you ask - I haven't smoked a reefer before I wrote this post - but it is a fair question at this point in reading...

9. A babysitter so Husband and I can go to the movies and catch up on all the films we never got to see. Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln, etc. I did see the Latest Soderbergh at the weekend - and if you see him I'd like a refund please. Side effects was RIDICULOUS. The only good thing in it - was Catherine Zeta Jones' lipstick colour. Honestly.

10. A supermarket sweep trolley dash through ZARA for new clothes. I'm really a comfort dresser (i.e. a lazy dresser) so I don't need big fash-scion clothes - as I am never gonna wear them. but you know, a new top brings joy. It does. Something that fits across the bust, hides the stomach and 'brings out your eyes' is fairly priceless. And in Zara, it does come cheap.  As a kid I used to fantasise about being left overnight in the M & S food shop - whereupon I would eat lychees and their gooseberry fool desserts until they came out my ears. Now I dream of the same thing - in Zara. And me a stone lighter.

That's pretty much it. My car needs a good clean (inside) and I quite fancy a thumb ring (no euphemism there, sorry) but apart from that - there aint much I am after. I'm having a party - theme is Pimps and Hookers through the ages - so as long as folk turn up for that and throw some shapes to my dreadful (but brilliant) party tunes list - then I'll be stoked. At the end of the day, that's the main thing - having fun and buying folk who have stuck by me all these years a margarita or two. I wish I could buy you readers one too.

In the meantime - I'll trust Baz on the sunscreen....


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Call on Ellen, not Oprah.