Sunday, 17 November 2013

Breaking Point...

...was reached.

Just can't go on the way I am going. It is no way to live. NO ONE I know does what I do. Every single Mother I know works part time, if at all. Most, were far smarter in their career choices than I have been and so work less hours but earn more than I do, even though they do 2/3 days a week.

Several Mums I know DON'T work and their kids are at school all day. I have no idea what they do all day - but I envy their ME time. Me? I work 5 days a week. I am the only mother of two amongst colleagues who do my actual job. In fact, the only mother. The others sweetly tell me often that  they don't know how I do it. The work can often mean evening reading/weekend note writing - this week I lay in the bath reading scripts so I felt like I was doing something for myself that evening...

But once I've done my day job - then I come home and do my SECOND job. It takes hours. I love it - but I am technically a bit slow - so all the uploading and linking to and all that jazz takes HOURS. The sheer brain power of coming up with 3 articles a week and then writing all the accompanying blurb takes time. Time flies when I am doing it - but still.

So weekends become the time to do everything that you didn't get done during the week: food lists/shops., ENDLESS laundry, lists, chores tasks galore and the whole 'having fun' seems to be bottom of every list.

Someone once said to me that it would be harder to do my job with 2 babies, rather than kids my age (2 and 3/4 and 7). Thing is, babies - hard when teething and not sleeping - which should really sort by 12 months - are easy when you are working. You drop them to nursery/child minder and you pick 'em up. Bath and bed. Done. My 7 year old each week has a literacy homework - and maths, and spellings and reading and a 'talk' homework which he then has to write about. Then there is the running kit to be cleaned, and football etc - the parents' evenings, the 'bake' sales that I have ZERO time to get all bake off for...

I have turned into someone I HATE. A nagging, stressed, tired neurotic mess - and I was that when I was single, let alone now with all the responsibilities I have. Something has got to give. I realised this, on route to work on Wednesday, when I ended up sobbing on the phone to a friend, who safe to say, could easily be a Samaritan.  I'd gotten up at 6am to do some Babble writing - only for the site to be down... Then I headed to work, paid for Sproglette to go early club at nursery to get in and get the much coveted parking space - as for various reasons, there were very few this week. But there was a massive traffic jam so I went off route - only to discover that Husband had broken the Sat Nav lead. I was lost, tired, stressed. I kind of flipped out.

My mantra, 'I am but one woman' just doesn't work any more.. I am tired of saying it, feeling it, thinking it. I am tired of the stress, the constant anxiety, the feeling I am not being good enough at any of my roles. The fact I get on average about an hour a week to watch TV, read a book, relax. Head space - something I NEVER get.

So I have a new plan. It will mean no money - and starting from scratch again - but I am excited. Because I see light at the end of my tired dark tunnel. I am giving up on trying to be all things to all people. I just need to be a great person to two little people. I know that being at home with little people all day kind of fries my head, so I've got to find a way round that. Thank the lord my daughter is entitled to 15 hours free child care as of December.

No matter what happens, I won't be in this place. I won't be this person. 2014, I cannot wait to meet you.



Anonymous said...

I read your blog regularly, and I just wanted to say you are not alone - the similarity between your life and my wife's is uncanny. We have 3 "sproglets" - 9,6 and 4 years old, she works five days a week and comes home to do her second job, often working into the wee small hours after the kids are tucked up. She feels alone and cannot believe how many Mums do not work and what they do with their free time. I try to help but the hours I work mean I can never be there to collect the kids and/or get involved in any of the after school activities.
Last week as I walked in from work, she had a melt down with the kids, something about the eldest not wanting to do her home work whilst the younger kids were fighting over the iPad. I "ordered" my wife out of the house and told her to go and have a swim and sauna and clear her mind, she started to weep silently, nodded and walked out the door. I tried baking something for the Children in Need bake sale that night, the most stressful thing I have done with the kids in a longtime, which helped me understand why she also thinks of herself as a "nagging, stressed, tired neurotic mess".
This weekend we also decided something has to give, we are not sure what but will work on it for 2014. I look forward to finding out how your 2014 works out and am slowly building up the courage of admitting to my wife that I have time to read your blog! I think she would really enjoy it, if she had the time to read it.

Crummy Mummy said...

Thank you so much for commenting.I think it is great you send your wife off to the pool! Bless her, she must be whacked. Is just so stressful juggling so many balls. I have just handed in my notice and feel great! I hope you guys find a way put of the mire. I am sure you will. You have each other and a fab family, and faith... It'll all work out. 2014 is bound to be good - I can just feel it! x