As soon as the kids come home from school I am dragging them by the scruff of their little necks and forcing them to go and eat an enormous amount of cake with me after the day from sucksville.
I'm a bit bleuurggghhh.
A bit like - what will become of me? Will I spend the rest of my days avoiding running, avoiding making any kind of money whatsoever and avoiding actually having one of them there career things that most folk have. It really is fun when you have 27p left in your overdraft facility. I mean, that is 27 1p chews just waiting to be bought! I know.. don't spend it all at once eh?
I've just read some Nora Ephron and Caitlin Moran and realised that I cannot write my way out of tampax box - and why am I even trying to shape this blog into anything because it has all been done before AND SO MUCH BETTER, so I may as well just give up and go and live in some monastery - and take a vow of silence. I actually think I could give everything up (like the nuns) but talking.
So, the highlight of my day was having my ear syringed. Truly. I can now hear again - but have had to take a rest from working today, to read the above books and remind myself that I am rubbish.
God most women my age have careers, and nannies and proper clothes that need ironing and go on hangers and everything... They have SAVINGS. And a 5 year career plan and are decently paid. I think I've kind of pin balled my way through my life - swinging from one fun place to the next job wise - and now the ball is shooting it's way back down the hole to disappear forevermore.
I just don't know what my plan is... I'm not good without a plan. Every day I put my keys, inhaler, card, tampax (you never know) and phone in my bag and think 'there is something missing' Oh yes, my plan.
I feel like I want to hide away and not go out and see all those sunny working people who know what they are doing and are planning vacations and trips and shopping and all the things people who have plans get - because they planned, because they structured - because they were careful.
These people do not read Shelley Von Strunkel and believe their lives revolve around her predictions. These folk do not think 'I will absolutely without a shred of doubt win the lottery in the next week or two.' They do not think 'something work wise will happen and work out and most likely come from nowhere and rescue me like a knight on a trusty steed.' They do not expect miracles. They do not write blogs. They do not change careers about 20 times and pick ones that are notoriously competitive and tough to break into. They do not have huge overdrafts and still buy Pimms with their last remaining pennies because life without Pimms is a life not being lived.
I'm meant to know what I am doing - and I kind of do. But none of it has any certainty whatsoever. I could try and write a trial script - and fail. I could tout my blog around and no one could be interested - after all a moaning mother of 2 in her 40s bleating on about hot young men and why we should keep our pubic hair and the like isn't exactly screaming 'BEST SELLER.'
All the energy has fizzled out of me like flat lemonade and I just don't feel like chirpy CM today. I don't want talk to mates, I don't want to see people, I don't want to hear about the world. I just want to watch John Hughes films and pretend I am in fact 17 and can do the whole lot again. I wouldn't change meeting Husband, or having my kids - for anything. Nor the flatmates I lived with in my 20s and my school buddies. I wouldn't change them. But me, I'd change in a heartbeat. I'd have a word with myself and say - do something clever and exciting that will give you maternity benefits and savings and a pension and all that important stuff that you kind of missed... Don't be so aspirational CM - because you aren't as talented as you thought you were - and you'll kind of end up the jack of all trades and the master of only making martinis...
But I can't go back. I remember sitting in 2005 weeping just before House Of Wax came on (and it really wasn't that bad a film) at the movies with my (then) new husband and I said I just didn't know which way to turn, post presenting telly stuff. What will become of me, I wondered - at 32, when I wanted to have a family... I'm so glad I got through those years with the help of a fun fab job - that paid me peanuts.
But I feel I'm here again.
More than anything I wish I had some kind of mentor - some amazing woman who I could sink gin with and who would say, 'Do this CM and then that and then this and you will be fine.' It has to be a woman - I never trust men in any kind of power. Actually that's wrong, it is just I think women understand more - all the things you have to juggle, all the battles you have to fight. Especially those who are juggling work and kids or have done... - someone who has muddled their way through and come out the other side and says - it's ok not to have a plan. It's ok to be going for cake on a credit card aged 41. It really is.
But we all know it's not....
PS Even in my PMT addled state I know I am lucky - with my family, with my friends. I know this. But occasionally, we're still allowed to feel a wee bit sad. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate all I do have. xx
I'm a bit bleuurggghhh.
A bit like - what will become of me? Will I spend the rest of my days avoiding running, avoiding making any kind of money whatsoever and avoiding actually having one of them there career things that most folk have. It really is fun when you have 27p left in your overdraft facility. I mean, that is 27 1p chews just waiting to be bought! I know.. don't spend it all at once eh?
I've just read some Nora Ephron and Caitlin Moran and realised that I cannot write my way out of tampax box - and why am I even trying to shape this blog into anything because it has all been done before AND SO MUCH BETTER, so I may as well just give up and go and live in some monastery - and take a vow of silence. I actually think I could give everything up (like the nuns) but talking.
So, the highlight of my day was having my ear syringed. Truly. I can now hear again - but have had to take a rest from working today, to read the above books and remind myself that I am rubbish.
God most women my age have careers, and nannies and proper clothes that need ironing and go on hangers and everything... They have SAVINGS. And a 5 year career plan and are decently paid. I think I've kind of pin balled my way through my life - swinging from one fun place to the next job wise - and now the ball is shooting it's way back down the hole to disappear forevermore.
I just don't know what my plan is... I'm not good without a plan. Every day I put my keys, inhaler, card, tampax (you never know) and phone in my bag and think 'there is something missing' Oh yes, my plan.
I feel like I want to hide away and not go out and see all those sunny working people who know what they are doing and are planning vacations and trips and shopping and all the things people who have plans get - because they planned, because they structured - because they were careful.
These people do not read Shelley Von Strunkel and believe their lives revolve around her predictions. These folk do not think 'I will absolutely without a shred of doubt win the lottery in the next week or two.' They do not think 'something work wise will happen and work out and most likely come from nowhere and rescue me like a knight on a trusty steed.' They do not expect miracles. They do not write blogs. They do not change careers about 20 times and pick ones that are notoriously competitive and tough to break into. They do not have huge overdrafts and still buy Pimms with their last remaining pennies because life without Pimms is a life not being lived.
I'm meant to know what I am doing - and I kind of do. But none of it has any certainty whatsoever. I could try and write a trial script - and fail. I could tout my blog around and no one could be interested - after all a moaning mother of 2 in her 40s bleating on about hot young men and why we should keep our pubic hair and the like isn't exactly screaming 'BEST SELLER.'
All the energy has fizzled out of me like flat lemonade and I just don't feel like chirpy CM today. I don't want talk to mates, I don't want to see people, I don't want to hear about the world. I just want to watch John Hughes films and pretend I am in fact 17 and can do the whole lot again. I wouldn't change meeting Husband, or having my kids - for anything. Nor the flatmates I lived with in my 20s and my school buddies. I wouldn't change them. But me, I'd change in a heartbeat. I'd have a word with myself and say - do something clever and exciting that will give you maternity benefits and savings and a pension and all that important stuff that you kind of missed... Don't be so aspirational CM - because you aren't as talented as you thought you were - and you'll kind of end up the jack of all trades and the master of only making martinis...
But I can't go back. I remember sitting in 2005 weeping just before House Of Wax came on (and it really wasn't that bad a film) at the movies with my (then) new husband and I said I just didn't know which way to turn, post presenting telly stuff. What will become of me, I wondered - at 32, when I wanted to have a family... I'm so glad I got through those years with the help of a fun fab job - that paid me peanuts.
But I feel I'm here again.
More than anything I wish I had some kind of mentor - some amazing woman who I could sink gin with and who would say, 'Do this CM and then that and then this and you will be fine.' It has to be a woman - I never trust men in any kind of power. Actually that's wrong, it is just I think women understand more - all the things you have to juggle, all the battles you have to fight. Especially those who are juggling work and kids or have done... - someone who has muddled their way through and come out the other side and says - it's ok not to have a plan. It's ok to be going for cake on a credit card aged 41. It really is.
But we all know it's not....
PS Even in my PMT addled state I know I am lucky - with my family, with my friends. I know this. But occasionally, we're still allowed to feel a wee bit sad. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate all I do have. xx
9 comments:
My husband is in a similar position. So much of our marriage was getting me my PhD and into my current professorial position and he always just worked in his field where he fit in. Now he's wondering what's next for him and it's a little scary for me because do I leave my guaranteed position so he can pursue a PhD? Will I be happy adjuncting after just obtaining the title of Associate Professor? He just turned 40 and I guess it's natural that these questions arise, especially since kids are not going to happen.
I think that the mentor woman you are looking for is yourself (maybe yourself in the future), and the biggest challenge here is to listen to yourself because ultimately you do already know what you need to do next.
You are actually in the best possible place. (Providing you're not currently in the fridge drinking vodka)
The thing is if there was loads of cash in the bank you'd just sit in the park, so the fact you're skint will make you write. Felt exactly the same walking out of the NOTW with no job to go to and no cash. But it's actually quite good as you can't sit around, you have to make money so you have to try. Best advice I ever got was from Russel T Davies. Told him I wanted to go write for EE and asked how to get started, and he said: well stop asking me about it and go and bloody do it. He's quite right.
So go try the trial script if that's what you want? That'll be the first thing.
Carry on the blog because I'd miss it. (Selfish yeah but otherwise my internet feed is mainly cats)
Second get something, even if you hate it, that gets some income in. I did a fitness column thing for peanuts, reviewed stuff on local radio (£30 bloody dreadful) , ghost wrote books for very ungrateful starlets who couldn't even be arsed reading the book they'd 'written', anything just to make me keep meeting deadlines, get out the house, and stop me drifting whilst I kept trying. I'm even trained in back sack crack waxing. Hey, it's a living.
Ps. Yeah Norah Ephron's brilliant. Am going to look at my neck for a bit then get back to the keyboard.
Sharon M
X
Number one, stop comparing yourself to anyone and everyone else...
Two, live the life you've got, you can make whatever changes you want to. It's scary as hell, but you can do it x
Jkelsofarrell - Marriage is all about compromise - but it is tough when you are the one who has to do it - I hope you find a workable solution for you both.
Joanne my lovely - what do I know??? I wish I did!!
Sharon M - bless you for your uber lovely advice. I will never stop blogging as it keeps me sane. Or saner than I would be... I just don't know if I am capable at writing scripts - a whole new ball game... I love that you could wax me - bloody save me a fortune! Good advice on all counts babe. We should do tequila soon...
Finally Amy - you be right. Just some days, maybe PMT days it aint so easy...
love CM xx
I love your blog and you DO have talent - you write life in the raw, as it is! Also, we women all feel like you FREQUENTLY. Keep up the blog and other writing and advertise it all on Twitter, FB, Instagram and wherever you can. YOU are WORTH it!
I want to get this right because unlike you, I'm not so good at writing it down. ..I've probably said this before but I will say it again. The second and proper time I met you, you were 17 and me almost 19, we both needed jobs and you went out and got one the very next day. So I admired your confidence and your best selling point to me, you were funny and we had a blast in that summer of '91. Then you went of to Berlin (fave blog) then you went off to uni and then basically did everything you said you were going to do. Your letters, postcards, the star bothering, you really did live your live your late teens and early twenties to the max, your 22nd birthday is still the wildest and funniest one I've ever been to - wake up sleepy York! So my short version of this waffle is that if you could have your life again, I'd implore you to do exactly the same. You've been down on your luck loads but then something always happens. My parting shot which may make you laugh a bit, you've always reminded me of Madonna, hair not quite perfect but determination and balls. Xxx
I just returned to work after an unpaid maternity leave and basically am paying bills with monopoly money until I get paid and it is AWFUL (second child). It feels like everyone else I know is going on fabulous vacations and buying fabulous clothes and I'm just I schlepping along. Like you I wouldn't change my husband or my kids but I sort of wish I'd had an interest in something besides acting and writing when I was younger. Ah, well - as my husband pointed out, we CHOSE to go to graduate school, we CHOSE to have kids - we have pennies right now, but where do we go from here? I'm trying to figure it out. I don't care what anyone says - vodka helps.
I thought 1p chews were 2p now?
Post a Comment