I'd like to thank....

Is there anything to depress one more on a Monday morning than watching the Oscars in grubby mis-matching PJs with a small child brandishing the DVD remote at you whining for Bob the fecking Builder? The red carpet belles so perfect that it appears they have miraculously been air brushed in real life, with heavenly shoes and swishy flowing dresses.... the men dapper and groomed to the point that they are barely recognisable in their penguin suits. (Dior? Galliano? Versace? Who cares - they all the look the same). Blinding teeth, shiny hair, glowing make up and twinkly winking diamonds - and that's just the blokes. I know it probably took ten thousand people and a million dollars to make each actress/model/whatever look this good and underneath their gown their Brazilian is itching the hell out of them, their up-do is weighing like an anvil on their necks and their feet are killing them and they are about to faint as they haven't even eaten for six weeks, but hell, they look hot!

Thank God Diablo Cody won...true talent winning for once... and Javier Bardem. Is it me, or is he tasty even with that hair style? I feel a new crush developing rapidly. Doesn't life feel a bit grey in comparison with all the glitter and champers and little gold statuettes ? While we trudge to Sainsburies, put on a load and wipe a pooey bum? I am saved. Mark Eccleson is on Sky spouting guff -which is almost enough to make me lunge for the remote. He looks like a potato and sounds like a smurf. What that guy knows about film I could put on a stamp and still have room for my shopping list. Saucer of milk - for the unwashed lady on the sofa. Hurrah! There is a god. My Sky+ has frozen. I am saved from turning into a bitter old envious lemon.

Just as well - I have a bottom to wipe.