Saturday, 23 February 2008

THE Lemon feeling

Ever felt like a lemon has been shoved up your whasits and it isn't moving - except perhaps to give you a weird dragging sensation as you lie reading The Culture section on an evening? No? Course you have - it is the feeling you get about 7-8 weeks in. No one talks about it. No one mentions the lemon. Sickness, nausea, your appetite going from content to ravenously starving in 60 seconds are all discussed willy nilly - but the lemon... well its a closely guarded secret. So there I was, weird dragging feelings. Something felt stuck there - you know, like a tampax applicator that your forgot to remove after 15 vodkatinis. Not as small though - thus not the 'lime' feeling. Bigger, but not as spherical as an apple. The mighty lemon.
Afraid that this was something grossly abnormal I made an appointment with the GP. I explained my symptoms helpfully and then patiently and nervously waited for her reply. She laughed and then blinked at me. I didn't get the joke. She assured me that the lemon is normal. Apparently most folk have it. Common as a cold. Just being up the duff. At first I thought she might be lying - trying to appease me while she ran 'tests.' But no, she was serious. In fact she looked at me like I was mad as a bag of snakes for not knowing about the lemon. Relieved, embarrassed and in a hurry to get far away from the unsympathetic Dr, I raced from the medical centre, silently cursing my female friends. They had told me of the nipples darkening, the heartburn to be expected, constipation - inevitable. But no fecker has ever mentioned the goddamn LEMON!

1 comment:

Claire said...

OMG - I am only reading this post now for the first time and it completely cracked me up!! I so remember that feeling!! And you're right, it's one of the few things nobody warns you about..