Tuesday, 27 April 2010

The horror...

What is the worst line you can ever hear?

'It's not you it's me?'
'We need to talk...'
'Hello, this is your bank manager calling - about your overdraft...'


The worst line is always uttered from the tiny mouth of some kid playing with your kid - sans parent. The line goes like this 'I need a poo.'

You point the kid in the direction of your loo - at which point Sproglet offers to help and you point out that maybe said kid would like some privacy, while you wish harder than you have ever wished for anything in your whole sorry life, that the kid can wipe it's own ass. Sometimes, like today, the kid will say 'No Sproglet, don't come in, it gets smelly.'

You gag and open a window, showing the kid where the toilet roll is before bidding a hasty retreat, while Sproglet talks about throwing poo out the window or the like. Then you hear the next worst line: "Hello? Can you wipe my bottom? I can't."

There is nothing quite as vile as having to rub off poo crud from a kid's ass, when said kid isn't your own. Even your own kid's aint great - but another kid - HELL ON WHEELS. You flush and flush and bleach and flush. Which is all well and good - but try flushing the whole scenario from your mind? Impossible. There are reasons why you only have other peoples' kids for short periods of time: 1. because you can't really tell them off, so the shorter the time, the less likely you'll want to string 'em up. 2. they are like locusts and will devour everything in your cupboards and fridge within an afternoon - within an hour they might only get through two biscuits, a banana, some crackers and a pack of raisins if you're lucky 3. Most importantly, the less chance they'll need to take a dump, ergo less chance you'll have to do the wiping thing.

The horror. The horror.

1 comment:

shortlass said...

I'm not a mother so maybe I don't count...but I love the fact you are so honest about this. Some of the things you blog are exactly why I'm so scared of having kids. And for once I'm NOT reading about some AlphaMum who thinks that you must accept motherhood as your new vocation and love it unconditionally.

I love my nephew but wiping his backside down turn my stomach. Not as much as clearing up his vomit though....