Thursday, 13 May 2010

Drowning

Every time I start to type a new post I give up for fear that I am simply going to repeat myself over and over again.

Some days the sun shines and I start a chapter and the washing is on and lunch is made and dinner is already made and I tap tappety tap on the laptop convinced today will be different. Then at around 6pm when Sproglet is repeating the same sentence for the twentieth time and I sit opposite him, alone, again, and sadness overwhelms me and I want to curl up into a small ball and just make it all stop. I realise that apart from a cursory conversation with the Mother across the road as I drop Sproglet at her house for her to do the school run - I haven't spoken to anyone (in the flesh) all day. Or the day before.

I feel like I am sinking and I can't find my way to the surface. I am drowning... I don't know the way out of this. But I cannot go on like this or I'll end up back at the docs begging for anti-depressants which I don't need - I just need people. I need one person to ask me how my day is. Just one would do. I need one person to tell me about their day.... Someone who wants to talk about anything other than fucking kids and schools and bollox like that. Husband either stays at work or gets up, hits the gym and is gone. He hates his job but there is no way out - not with me sitting at home trying in vain to write.

I miss working so much. I wish I could tell you there are so many great jobs in drama but there aren't. The ones that come up involve being on set until all hours or living outside London at some point - both impossible for me. How did I get here? I worked so hard in my life to end up here?? I could send out my CV and live in hope - but I have no idea how to make it all work around Husband's hours and Sproglet. Oh god, I've said this before. I'm going round in fucking circles. I wish it would stop. I just want a normal life. Is that too much to ask?

Then I scream at Sproglet, take it out on him which makes me want to stab myself in the heart. He looks at me with bewildered eyes and says 'Mummy, if you are upset I will have to hug you.' as the tears trip my cheeks.

I want a solution. I want somehow for it not to be so hard to be a working Mother. Why do men get to go to work every day and simply leave the home, without looking back, without worry or guilt or beating themselves up because they forgot to send a kid's b'day card two days ago?

Why at 37 do I feel I am starting again? Again? I won't blog again until I get out of this miserable cycle. I'm boring myself. That's what happens when I live in my head all day... I know that I want to die before I am old and lonely. Because there is nothing worse in life than loneliness. It eats away at you, swallows you up, the silence is deafening. I don't think I'm meant to be a Mother. I can't bear being alone at home with a child all day. Where did I go wrong?

8 comments:

ms.mildred said...

You know, I don't know you, and I don't remember how i got to your blog, but I cannot read this post and not comment. I can't lurk about and pretend that this was just a paragraph I read, and that there's no person behind it. And yet I don't know what to say, because I just *feel* that I want to reach out and in some small way...I don't even know. Much less know what to say.
Here's what I know: loneliness is awful. And it had nothing to do with being alone. And sometimes at the end of a day I look around and wonder where it went and what I did to pass the time and where all the other people in the world were in that day, because I had no sense of them in relation to me, except as at a great distance. But of course, other days aren't like that at all, and wonderful things happen. Being on that hamster wheel, going round the same crap feels just like that - crap. I hope you find your way out soon.
Best wishes from a stranger in a different land who hopes you find a calm moment.

Anonymous said...

You're not boring, and I completely understand how you feel.
I think that the worst thing for you now is not loneliness, but the feeling you lost a job you liked, that gave you a place to go and to be... you're coping with this feeling of loss, but you're not really alone.
Try to think that this won't be a permanent situation, that this (short) period is necessary to write your book (it is a job indeed, to write a book) and when you'll be finished you'll have more time to look for an occupation that suits you better.
But don't stay at home all day, go to your library, or a Starbucks, or where you like, take your laptop with you and go outside. And you won't be so bored you can hardly write a line. Outside, things happen. At home alone... boooooring...
With people around you won't feel so alone, and you'll feel lucky you don't have to run to the office and that you can enjoy a cup of coffee without having to rush.
This is priceless. And it is TEMPORARY. You will miss it when you'll find another job. And when the book will be finished, you'll have many opportunities to meet people: I'm sure you'll publish it and things will come by themselves to make your day busier.
I hope my bad english is good enough to make you understand what I mean.
You're not a bad mother if you don't want to stay at home with your child all day. I love my daughter, but I'll die (inside) if I should stay with her all the time... And she would be tired too of it...
Better a satisfied mother not at home all the time than a frustrated always-there mother...
And he'll grow up, and he won't need you so much in the next years, so (I repeat myself, I know), this is TEMPORARY, and it will pass.
Life's not easy for working mothers in our times, not at all.
I'm with you, and I hope you'll write again, even if you're still sad and lonely like you are now.
Not judging at all... and maybe to stop writing here will make you feel more alone. Don't do that! :)

Serena from Italy

brittanymum said...

the girl above is right ..you have to go out, get yourself a coffee and watch the world go by. Try and make yourself a routine, like monday starbicks, tuesday the library ... or something like that. Do you hava another hobby you can do on wednesday say, rather than write that day? ... I dont know, and I'd love to tell you to come to me afor coffee and a chat.. but I too am in a different country, so you can come for a weekend if you want?? ... I'm always here for, ok? kiss Px

EDW said...

The thing I learned when I was in those days is that it's not failure.

You're not failing.

I have spent a lot of time apologizing to my child for taking things out on her and teaching her why it's not okay to do that, but more importantly, why sometimes we do and why we say we're sorry and admit it. Children are much more forgiving of us than we are. I know you know that, and that's some of the heartbreak.

But yes, I was in those days. And I survived. And so will you. You've gotten excellent advice in your comments. Here's a bit more. You're grieving the loss of that job, that part of your life. Let yourself grieve. Be kind to yourself, like you would to a friend.

In Limbo said...

Here in the U.S. they have the Writers Association of America with on-line links to local writers groups that meet in various bookstores and coffee shops to critique and discus each others work. The groups are free and there is even a listing of a local liaison to contact to help set up your own group at a time and place to suit you. They must have something like this in your area. Just type "writers critique groups, London (or whatever your area)" into your search engine and see what comes up. These groups accept published and unpublished writers. If there isn't one in your area why not start one - seems like you have the right personality to do something like this.
Please, let us all know how everything is going.
Wishing you the best,
Daycare Lady

Chaos said...

I second what Serena from Italy said.
You're such a fabulous, brave person and I think your feelings are completely natural and understandable. I am soon-to-be divorced and am struggling to BE everything alone, which consequently means I am not doing anything in life well. Everything is compromised. (My job, my studies, myself, my friendships, my house or being a mother to my beautiful 3-year old son.)

Wish you could pop over to NZ for a real-life chat over coffee about sex, food, celebrities, movies and random ridiculousness!!!

Hang in there, kia kaha x

Anonymous said...

Just a small suggestion, but does another job need to be in your field? Could a part-time job in local store, perhaps a video store as you are so passionate about films, be enough to keep you sane but still give the time to write?

Anonymous said...

You are not alone in how you are feeling. You are not just grieving your job but your social connections, even the hello's when someone walks by you in the hallway. Reach out to your co-workers for a weekly lunch or friends for a coffee. As for your writing take it elsewhere...outside of your home...to Starbucks or a different coffee house and just people watch. If all else fails go see your doctor. Hang in there...cry when you need to, then pick yourself up off the ground and make some plans. I agree with the suggestion of the part time job - I think that would do wonders for you. Stay strong - I know you can get past this bump in your road.