Friday, 2 July 2010

It's getting weird....

When I started to blog I did it for two reasons: 1. I need to vent. I've written diaries my whole life (god they are beyond embarrassing, but I kinda like that - it's good to remind myself that at some point in my life all I cared about was getting my period for the first time and if I made a boy's 'top 10' list). 2. Because I thought it would be good to reach out to like minded souls and say - 'Hey, I'm having a tough/fun/cool/hideous/abnormal time - how 'bout you?' I wanted to debunk the heinous myth about Motherhood - that we should all have lives like a White Company advert and find people who related to this. I found Motherhood so overwhelming and tough - I still do, which is why I started blogging after my kid was born. Plus I was inspired by THE GIRL WHO, and her amazing, honest, smart, likable blog (check her out: - I can't do that jazzy thing of adding the link so you just click it and you're there. Wish I was better at technology, I really do.

Anyhow, I picked a pseudonym because my reckoning was - those I admitted to that the blog was mine, are my mates and I would tell them this stuff anyway. Those that read it not knowing who I am, well, they are strangers, so what does it matter. It never really occurred to me that folk who know but don't like me would get their mitts on it.

That is until two things happened:
1. Someone left an anonymous comment saying that they enjoyed the blog, knew who I really was and now liked me better because of it. Implying that they hadn't liked me much beforehand. Which is cool - as I can't be everyone's favourite flavour and hey, there are plenty of folk I aint keen on myself. But it felt a tad weird if I'm honest - someone knows all about my life, someone I haven't chosen to let in on my life in the flesh, someone who didn't fess up to who they were either....

2. I spoke to a good friend on the phone on Sunday night and she told me about someone I really don't like, who apparently loves my blog. Which is flattering - and hey, the whole purpose I did this in the first place (for people to enjoy it and relate to it) - but all of a sudden it felt as if it had fallen into 'the wrong hands' if you know what I mean. Will this person rub their hands in glee at my misfortunes? Enjoy my struggles and heartbreaks? Then I thought - maybe I won't write about that stuff anymore, maybe I'll just sing along like I have the best freakin' life in the world... But I can't do that. And I won't. Because my blog is for me most of all - to unload, to feel relieved, to try and make sense myself of all the things that hurt and confuse me along the bumpy way.

I stewed over this a fair bit and I've come to the conclusion that by writing this blog in the first place things like this were bound to happen. And my life - no matter how shared out to the masses - is still only what I want to share. And so what if folk from my past know that life aint exactly perfect at times for me - is their life so perfect? I like the freedom of wearing my heart on my sleeve - I do this in the flesh as well as online. It means what you see is what you get and I don't have pretend to be anything - which is liberating. Most of the time it draws folk to me - and that is such a bonus (especially for me, the freak who hates to be alone).

So welcome to all of you who know what I look like, or don't, those who have hated me since first form or Uni or some shit job I had in telly in 1997, or those who have loved (tolerated) me since I was 7 and we first met at school. To all those that read it, I thank you, for taking the time out to enjoy my journey along the way. Long may it last.


Claire said...

Good on yer, babe! I love your attitude. It isn't easy to write honestly knowing that your once nemesis / arch-rival / the girl who stole your first boyfriend is reading it but you've slamdunked the pride and insecurity in favour of honesty and I hugely respect that. And for the record, although I wish I did, I have no idea who you are in the flesh ;-)

Keenie Beanie said...

Likewise, CM, I enjoy reading your blog and appreciate your openness and honesty. It definitely draws me to you.

I wish I could write as openly about the hard stuff on my site, but I have been muted by the fact that the husband reads the blog. It's not worth the marital discord that over-sharing has wrought in the past for me.

I'm so glad to hear you will keep writing, as I was concerned while reading this post where it was going to end up.

Hope you and bump are doing well.

All the best,

brittanymum said...

good on ya girl!
you know me, i know you (even though havent seen ya for 20odd years..) and i love your blog coz it really makes me realize that i'm not alone not feeling at all like the perfect mum, wondering would life be better without my weeuns (defo no!), plus i have the family problems too, so... thanks for continuing to put your life online, and as you say, we only learn what you want us to learn.. so feck'em all!! kisses P x

Alto Girlf said...

I don't know you at all, but I've been reading your blog for about a year now and love it. You have a real talent for writing. Interesting that I found your blog from "The Girl Who!" Please keep plugging along!