God I just can't go on like this. I'm not even hand to mouth, its stealing from Peter to pay Paul and then Pedro turns up hand outstretched too.
I weep as I type. Today the tears just keep a comin.
I feel so trapped and frustrated and I want a way out - christ I need a way out. Yet all of this is my own making. Where I am, here, right now, I brought it all upon myself.
Here I sit, 5 months pregnant and utterly broke. I have nothing. I can't even afford a coffee. Or a paper. Husband and I fight over money all the time. My day: get up, take Sproglet to school, write, hang out washes, Husband up late after bed at 4am- tired and grumpy - I tell him that X has had a baby and we need to get a gift and that Y's son was two yesterday and we need to get a gift and oh, the phonebill is in and I need maternity bras and then he gets all annoyed and angry and pissed off that he works so hard and we have nothing. Asking him for money is humiliating and upsetting and fucking hideous. Then I cry and he gets all soothing and kisses my cheek and tells me it will all be ok, but it isn't ok, it is far from ok.
Our tenants thankfully want to stay on for another year - or at least until April when they will get married. At the moment, their rent covers the mortgage there and my part of the mortgage in our house - just. To sell up now would be insane. Anyway, they'll probably move out May next year and the 8 year old carpets and marked walls (haven't had a proper paint since 2003) need replaced/painted in order to spruce it up to attract new tenants. The whole thing will cost about 2K. I remembered I get maternity pay come Dec - and realised if I saved all of it then it would cover this. I told Husband - pleased as punch that I have a solution. He thinks I am mad. He is like 'we are struggling to get by and you want to buy carpets?' But in my head it is a necessary purchase to keep the whole rental thing going. Anyway, how boring is this? Christ I'd rather watch paint dry in the flat than read the crap I'm writing...
I have thought of every way possible to cut back - I buy maternity clothes on ebay. I make cheap dishes and work out every meal every day so I never waste anything. I don't go out. I make do with products I have, cheap shampoo etc. Goodbye small luxuries. I need a fucking a job. But how the hell am I going to get that 5 months gone and with a child to pick up every day at 6pm at the latest? That means leaving London at 4:30pm. Do you Mr employer person want to employ the tired pregnant lady who can only get to work at 9:45am and has to leave at 4:30pm, or the hot 25 year old who can work for 10p and will stay until midnight, in these recession driven times when there are a million folk looking for work in telly?'
Baby no 2 comes in Dec. I know that when I had Sproglet I only had 3 months money saved and so had to lose weight, find an on-screen job and conquer motherhood in 12 weeks. Which I add, I did. I did screen tests wearing maternity pads and pregnancy jeans. So it can be done. But at least in those days there were crap quiz channels to present on. Now there aint - and frankly the TV execs aren't going to be crying out for post partum ladies over 35 to grace the screen that puts 10 pounds on you anyway.
I never knew it would be so so hard. Every day brings something new we need - Sproglet shoes, whatever - and in the past I just bought it. I was working - not for a great wage - but at least I had one. Now I feel the fear in my stomach, the embarrassment that for all my hard work, my glam tv career, what do I have to show for it now? While all my friends are comfortable (some have wealthy parents footing their school fee bills, or paying for them to go on hols etc - my parents haven't two notes to rub together) here I am scratching around my bag for coppers. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
What scares me more is that I don't know how to get out of it. Here I am again, post presenting career, now in post script ed career thinking - why do I pick these fucking creative jobs that are impossible to sustain???? Why didn't I love numbers and become a fucking accountant? Come Jan, with now 2 kids in tow, how am I going to get a job that makes it worth leaving them and covers child care?
Last week I felt I could climb mountains, this week I feel a weepy fucking failure. I'm bright, I'm a good person, I'm not materialistic, I am a team player, I work hard - why am I here? I blame myself. My stupid dreams and the reality of working motherhood. I've got to stop typing before I embarrass myself further. Anyway, my tissue is all soggy and my nose looks like Rudolph. I look around me and wonder how everyone else does it? How can I start again at 37, plus a 37 year old Mother at that. Normally I'm full of fire in my belly and hope in my heart and now... I just want to give up.
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7 comments:
Oh hun, I promise this will pass. I've been there too and it felt like forever. We were broke for years. When my son was born I couldn't afford nappies (diapers) so cut up old sheets. He had all sorts of patterns on his bum. The mid-wife even brought us a food parcel.
Somehow we always managed to scrape by. I recall one night when I had nothing in for dinner. The grocery money had gone onto the mortgage and I didn't know what I was going to feed the kids. Then my brother, a chicken farmer, turned up unannounced with a car load of chicken. He didn't know it was a rough week, it was just im"peck"able timing (get it? "Impeccable"? Huh? ). We never, ever went a day without three meals on the table.
I know it sucks and it's really, really hard, but it WILL eventually get better. It sure does stretch your faith!
Take care
Ange
Oh gosh...where to begin. I too have been in places seemingly hopeless and at the very bottom but what I've found is that you need to focus on what you DO have. You have a lovely life, two properties, a perfect child, another child on the way, a wonderfully supportive husband, and success at your career. Just because you are not working today does not mean you have no value. You planned to write - so write. In fact, there is likely much freelance work you could do from home and pregnant. Writing transcends TV and your experience will as well. Think of writing for the entertainment mags, the internet, etc. You have options out there not requiring a commute, time away from home, or time away from your LIFE. Focus on your blessings and they'll continue to rain down upon you.
Best wishes!
Angela
Nicely said Angela (wish I'd said that!)
:)
I had to ask my neighbour could i borrow 50euros on friday to make it thru till my sick pay comes this week.. no more petrol in the car, and just a couple of very overfrozen "things" in the freezer. It happens to most of us one day or another, and they say what doenst kill us makes us stronger. My husbands nephew died of leucemia mid june; he was buried in the south of france and of course by husband wanted to be there.. so he went, and that couple of hundred euro it cost him for a plane ticket and car rental meant we had no budget to do the outings we had planned with the kids when my husband was on holiday at the beginning of july. But, I really try to count my blessings coz, well, my kids are still here, and in perfectly good health, and no amount of money can change that. Its hard, but as the other ladeez say,it will pass. Dont forget what i told you about the light at the end of the tunnel.. its not always an oncoming train!! P x
Shit. I've totally been there. Like, debit card denied at the grocery store been there.
I will only tell you what helps me if you promise not to think I am a maudlin asshole.
There are blogs out there. Blogs of people who are dying of cancer, mother's whose babies died unexpectedly... drowning, choking all terrible stuff.
I know these blogs and I check up on them from time to time to remind myself that all the shit I am worked up about is NOTHING compared to the things some people are going through. It sounds horrible but it helps me realign my brain and my hormones and begin focusing on what I do have. Namely, a family and my health... and when it comes down to it, that is what is most important.
Loving your guts from afar!
The Girl Who
"the girl who" ... thats EXACTLY what I was trying to say! You said it perfectly!
Sometimes its hard to see, and when people say, "think about X and how awful it is for them" .. well you just want to say "Fuck X! I dont care 'bout the others, let me feel sorry for myself!" Life really is shit sometimes!
But...well, I'm gonna say it.. It could be a hell of a lot worse! :) Px
I'm wishing you good thoughts. May you find one last chocolate chip that you forgot about in the cupboard. You will get through this. It thoroughly sucks while you wait for it to pass. Relief while happen. Your version of a brother with some chicken will come through. Hold tight while you wait. Do not forget that you are one talented and resourceful woman. You may have to go pluck that damn chicken yourself, but I have no doubts that you could do it.
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