Sunday, 14 October 2012

Yes, please let it be me.


Today hasn't been one of my better days. Sproglet has begun playing football for a local team - so he is up for training on Saturdays and matches on Sunday - so there was no chance of a lie in. I have the period from hell - either that or Tampax aint workin' like they used to. Too graphic? I don't care.

Then Husband and I sat down (well stood arguing in the kitchen) about who would be paying out nursery bill of a mere £1155.  For the month. Yes you read right - that is just a month. Then we did something we had dreaded doing for a while. We did our sums. those sums where you write down what you earn and then start subtracting your bills and direct debits from it. And the other stuff - petrol and food. And nursery. And all of a sudden, there is nothing left. No wiggle room, no 'pop to the shops,' no holidays, no weekends away, no decorating the peeling hall, no nothin'.

So I had a meltdown that would have made my daughter jealous. I sobbed that I felt like I was back in 2008 - when Sproglet was 2 and we had pennies to rub together - even both working full time. It just feels so unfair - to work so hard - to earn so little, to pay out so much. I didn't expect to be here at my age. I thought life would get easier - less complicated, once I left the emotional rollercoaster that came with a stupid presenting career. Why the fuck didn't i go back to college - I dunno, learn law or do something that would pay £££ so I wouldn't be such a goddamn slave to money.

Husband is loving his new job. Loving more regular hours, bring around at weekends, up in the mornings - being much more of a family - but feck me we have paid a hefty price for it financially. Why does everything have to come at such a compromise? Why can't it just be easy? How does everyone else do it? I honestly used to fantasise about knocking on all the brass knobbed doors in Hampstead and asking them 'so how did you get this here house? Are you bank robbers? Just bankers (so therefore robbers of sorts)? Lords? Lottery winners? My good friend M once said that she really did think that her only way out of the mire was a lottery win - which she truly expected. Not as a 'oh I hope I win' but as in 'I HAVE GOT TO FUCKING WIN.' I am now in that group. Husband said we need some luck. It has been a shocker of a year. I thought 2011 was tough but it was a walk in the park compared to this one.

How embarrassing is it at my age to not afford to do stuff that all your friends can do without a second thought? Obviously if Sproglette wasn't at nursery - we would be £1155 better off every month - which would buy a few threads and go well towards saving for a fab holiday. So you know, it won't always be this shit. But she doesn't hit school for 2 more years. That is a LONG TIME. A friend said recently to me, 'yeah but it's just stuff - you can do without stuff.' He has yet to have kids - and has no idea how hard it is - when you want to buy your kids stuff and can't. I'm not talking a freaking Versace winter coat here either. Or hard it is when you work so damn hard (evenings and weekends too) and then can't buy yourself a fancy moisturiser or just a new T shirt, or some socks. Oh I know, I have my health and stop moaning and all that - well, feel free to stop reading if you don't like it. I just kept thinking - when I go back to work, it won't be as hard as it has been since my daughter was born in 2010. Because after the £100 a week ran out 9 months later I didn't have a bean. But then Husband lost his job, and now we are back in work and then there's the childcare and it almost - not quite - but almost would make sense not to work. Except that would drive me mad.

God I made such a wrong turn in life. I am going to drill it into my daughter to get a secure profession - one that will give her maternity and a chance to carry on in a career post kids. I wish the government made it easier for us all to return to work, instead of penalising us by it costing so much to have childcare.

In case you are thinking - dry your eyes, just because you can't afford a pizza - it aint a big deal. But you see it is. Because without that little reward - that few drinks after work, the trip the movies or the new pair of pants - it all just feels a grind - a work to live. To just get by. I know we are not alone. I have a dear friend with twins who wishes she could work - but it makes no financial sense to do so. She looks forward to the day she can pee alone and something can be for her - and her alone.

I think I did things the wrong way round. I am angry at myself for some foolish childish belief that I should only do things I loved - felt passionate about - without any career ladder to climb. I feel I am always looking to what the next step should be and staring into the abyss.

Sometimes I feel so goddamn alone in this I could scream. I watch everyone else just get on and never seem to go through what I do. Husband today asked me for solutions and all I could do was cry and say 'we are back here again aren't we.' Because I insisted on a second child. Did I think it would be easy? well I never thought Husband would have to take such a salary cut... and that mine would be the same 4 years on.

I don't know what I thought. I'll just keep staring into the abyss, and maybe one day, my 6 numbers will come up. 


shannon b. said...

Oh, Sister, I hear you. We needed a safer place to live. It was desperate. Kids needed a town with better schools. I needed a more secure job. We found the great safer town... three hours from our friends and family. Great schools for the kids. I love my job. Four years later and husband hasn't found consistent work. It grates on the marriage! The house needs endless amounts of work. Suzy homemaker, he is not. Just like you said, we swore we would never be here again. Well, here we are.

jkelsofarrell said...

I hear you about those little rewards. They really are the difference between losing it and feeling okay.

brittanymum said...

I just had one of thoses "lets sit down and talk" talks while standing yelling at each other, too!! And my conclusion was "I love my job, I love my husband, I have 2 fab boys ...but I HATE my life" !!! why? because we too can never aford holidays, (except me bringing hubby on a fight with me -looks glam on Fbook i know but at the end of the day i'm still at work!!!), cant pay the bills, cant buy the clothes we'd love ...
I ask myself time and again "where did I go f'n wrong????? What am i doing wrong financially??? I just dont get it either .. coz I earn good enough money, and hubby does ok.
As you say, everyone else seems to be doing better, but then again, if you're here, and I'm here ... is their grass really greener? Sometimes i wonder - you know bullshit is a good fertiliser!!... And you know "money doesn't buy happiness" and all that crap. (although I'd prefer to cry in a BMW than in my crapped out golf!!!)
kisses sweetie xx

Liz said...

Money totally buys some happiness. And it sucks not to have it. I think a LOT of us are in that position. I am equally screwed. I HOPE that these two years in grad school will let me find a good paying job and we will get our heads above water. In the meantime, I am not too proud to let someone treat or to say no, I can't afford it - but bring over some food and we can hang here.

I hope you find even a tiny amount to use weekly for splurges - even it's its just an ice cream. xoxo

Charlie said...

I hear you! Lots of us in the same position I see.. But I always think that we never know exactly what's round the corner......
Chin up.

Crummy Mummy said...

Thanks for all your comments folks - it makes me feel not so alone. I am with you Liz - I think you need to grab the joys in the small things and I also try and remind myself I don't need more 'stuff' - but it would be great to get Sproglet a cabin bed, when Sproglette is soon to leave her cot and get his bed... I know this time will pass - and I have to remember to grateful for the things that I have - which is easier some days than others... My treats at the mo are - time to blog, face packs, fresh coffee care of nespresso (not cheap but worth it) in the mornings, SLEEP, The Glee project (tragic I know) and hugs with my kids. NOT reading trash mags and fashion mags helps too - and my biggest help of all? Stop comparing my life to others - a total waste of time. anyway, thanks for commenting. Appreciate it. x