Saturday, 20 July 2013

The Girl most Likely to... who never did.

I'm at sixes and sevens. Don't know which way to go. Don't know my own mind.

Things I was sure of, now I'm not. Belief I had in myself feels lost.

I watch as the world flies past - all busy, busy, busy moving upwards and onwards and I remain totally stagnant. My nose pressed up at the window pane watching everything on the other side of the glass.

I'm loving babbling, I only wish I had more time to devote to it. I'd love to write for some more of their channels... At the same I feel bad that I haven't given this here blog my attention, like a diary that has empty pages.

I'm hating dropping my little fire cracker Sproglette at nursery every day, missing her like crazy... and yet when I get whole days with her at weekends, I'm tired and snappy and wish for just a moment to myself. I'm the ultimate crummy mummy who drinks. That red wine buzz at the end of the day, sometimes is all I am waiting for. That's sad right?

I often wonder if I became a parent for the wrong reasons - to fill up some void in my heart, a legacy of my own childhood... That when it all boils down, I don't have the patience, I am too selfish, wishing for time for me - to give myself wholly to motherhood. To truly love it like other mothers do.

At the opticians this week they said I had 'wavy' lines behind my eyes - a sign of stress. He looked at me, a straight face and asked if I was stressed about anything... Where could I begin? My stagnant career, my poor pay packet that will end shortly and I'll be right back where I was in 2010; Husband's pay cut, the hand to mouth life I lead... 2 jobs, 2 kids, 2 mortgages, no time, no time no time.

I'm all churned up, can't eat. Can't sleep in this relentless heatwave. I'm angry at myself for my failings and yet... yet I can't seem to... work it out.

I wonder if it will ever work out for me. Am I just the eternal joke amongst my friends, my colleagues. The girl most likely to, who never did.

Maybe I was meant to be the that worst of all words - mediocre. Maybe that's who I am. Maybe I just thought I was better than that - like that couple in Revolutionary Road... that deep down they were just as inane as everyone else.

I know this, I am tired. I am tired of people saying 'I don't know how you do it.' Because I'm not doing it - or I am, but just not very well. That Jack of all trades and master of none.

What next for me? I don't know. I truly wish I did.



Anonymous said...

Of all the people I know, you are far from mediocre, far from any kind of failure and very far from a girl most likely to who never did. You told me when I met that you'd be on tv and you absolutely did it. You are vibrant, extremely funny and very, very kind. With all that life has thrown at you, you've stayed true to yourself, you would never have uttered such horrible words as 'I only fucking well work for Richard & Judy' cos, basically, you're not a prick. No other person I know ever sent me interesting letters like you did and I don't think I know anyone else that has succeeded and then been broke and bounced back time and time again. Don't give up on that LA dream. I believe in you. As for kids, I'm right with you, I love mine to the ends of the earth but they do my head in on a daily basis and right when I'm so wound up and think 'I'm just going to walk out, I really am' I get a 'Mummy . . . I love you or a dribbly kiss and I'm again for oooh a good five minutes! x x x

Anonymous said...

Sometimes we can't see what we've got because we're always looking for something else. The sooner that is realised the happier and more fulfilled we'll become. Accept and embrace