Saturday, 21 September 2013

Things I have learnt this week...

In no particular order:

No1. Maybe it isn't the best idea to sink a bottle and a half of red at a work do, and then go up to your boss and ask them quite earnestly who they would like to shag in the room? (*I must add, not in a flirtatious way, more in a 'let's gossip about hot boys' kind of way...). Maybe keep to small talk about the weather or bitching about fellow workers. MUCH better.

No. 2 Infer and Imply. (Thanks to Thea at work, I now am totally sure which one is which). In case you are wondering, you can imply something, but only I can infer this. Someone who infers that something is the case receives information and forms their own conclusions).

No. 3 Now, I am as honest as the day. This was proved to me this week, when I met a great writer who I'd never had the pleasure of actually working with, but he said he knew all about me, as 'I read your blog.' He described it as funny and honest, which made it all the more bearable that I was looking directly at someone who knows that I never get to change a tampax alone, while to me, they are a virtual stranger. But I'm ok with that, I am the Queen of the overshare. If you gonna blog about your life, then it should be of no surprise when folk think they know you. Talking about such intimacies is always an ice breaker anyway. Here's to oversharing.

No. 4 I learnt a valuable lesson this week when I decided to rid my life of those who aren't honest with me, who don't level with me. Because I'm a heart on my sleeve kinda girl, I say it like it is. You pretty much always know where you stand with me. Husband says he can tell IMMEDIATELY when I dislike someone. I thought only he had such telepathic powers, but it turns out no, I am just wildly obvious about how I feel, about EVERYTHING. Those that lie or can't just be straight with me, have to go. In most things I am shades of grey, all 'well I can see both sides, blah blah..' But on this one thing I am black and white. It has been a while since I have enforced this rule but this week, out it came. Through my foggy haze, I saw some light and clarity and frankly, it was a relief.

No. 5 It is ok to like Miley Cyrus's new song. Not for the video, which makes me worry for her mental health - as no one should be licking DIY tools - who knows where they've been. It is ok to like the song though. Isn't it?

No. 6 I am a great wing woman. Oh yes. After aforementioned bottle and a half of red I went into cupid mode and helped score a mate a date. Just call me Cilla. I warrant that if you need a date, all you need is me with you for an evening and a credit card for my bar tab. Hot date guaranteed. Most people are afraid to approach those they fancy for fear of making a twat of themselves. That is where I come in. I am not afraid of being that twat. After I've talked their ear off for twenty minutes anyone else looks positively sane in comparison. They will be so desperate to get away from 'the mad Irish blonde woman' that they will be relieved to talk to you. Then - date. Nailed on certainty. All for the price of a few old fashioneds. Who needs internet dating?

No. 7 The character that most resembles me is the drunken next door neighbour in the sweet little film The Way Way Back. A borderline alcoholic with a penchant for younger men, and an ability to say inappropriate things at all times... Horribly like looking in a mirror. The ghost of the future...

No. 8 Another thing NOT to do, is when a concerned colleague says in the pub,  'how are you getting home, I'm worried about you?' (as you try and focus on them but fail miserably), DO NOT grab the next man walking past - a total stranger - and cackle insanely, 'With him.' Thereby confusing the poor earnest fellow who then wonders why this drunken woman is manhandling him. You may make a hasty exit, but then your concerned friends have to chat to him for 20 minutes explaining your drunkenness, and it turns out this 'stranger' is in fact a colleague of sorts. Embarrassing, well, it would be if I vaguely remembered what he looks like...

No. 9 It is OK to like Miley's new song isn't it? Well ISN'T it???


No comments: