...So sang Madge years back on an artful tune 'Human Nature.'
This song has been looping round my head this week. It's been a bit of a strange week - one I thought I wouldn't write about. But I'm waking with anxiety dreams and have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach so I need to get it off my chest. Here. On my blog - my little corner of the world where you don't have to click on in - you don't have to stop by, its just me doing my thang and hoping that someone somewhere relates, and is maybe even comforted in reading, by feeling not so alone.
I think I'm a good person - not in just that I make chat with anyone that glances my way, that I help old ladies with shopping bags and smile at the world that passes me by - but I genuinely don't like confrontation (unless in a complaints way - where I am kick ass at writing those steaming letters/telling a restaurant manager that the service is poor and there's a fly in my soup and all that jazz) and I try in all areas of my life not to offend folk, or hurt any one in any way. This blog has never meant to hurt anyone or upset anyone - except maybe Gwyneth with her oh so perfectly smug life. A fan of the Paltrow I aint - although I am sure she is a lovely woman with fabulous abs. So I was kind of stunned to find out this week that one of the many reasons a good friend of old decided to drop me from her life was because I had dared to blog about my own life being a bit tough when in fact she was going through a personal tragedy. Like she should have a monopoly on sadness - and that me blogging about losing my job last year was clearly a sign I wasn't a good enough friend!! Eh? Are you confused? Makes two of us.
This all gnawed away at me. Mainly because I really try to be good friend. I'm not perfect - who is? But I value my friendships - they are my surrogate family - and some I have watered for 32 years. They've had their ups and downs but they matter to me - being a good friend matters to me - and I would always beat myself up if I thought I had let someone down, or failed them in any way. I was a Samaritan for two years and think that this helped my empathy skills, my keenness to be a shoulder to all my friends at crucial times of their lives. I know for a fact that a problem shared is a problem halved - and although I am the biggest mouth in the world, I have kept and still keep many confidences. In fact I pride myself on these enduring relationships and I strive to maintain them - even when life is busy and responsibilities weigh us down. It disturbed me that someone who had once been a dear friend (I was this woman's bridesmaid!) had simply cut me off - closed the whole thing down without even bothering to tell me why. Clearly I valued the friendship more than her - I don't think I'd ever ditch a friend without telling them why. Even now I don't quite know what I did - but I have to draw a line and actually, I no longer care. Because my blog is MY BLOG, my little oasis. And everything in life is relative - so some readers may be going through illness, or loss, or bereavement as I blog about fluff like Tim Riggins or bitching about a diet or such nonsense - but that is my right, and they don't have to tune on in.
I think I felt frustrated - unfairly targeted, because I feel I haven't in any way deliberately done something wrong, something wounding. Sure, I'm a gossip, I can sometimes force my over inflated opinions down someones throat - hey, I know my faults well, but I am not hurtful, I am not cruel. I can't control how someone else feels, I just have to live my life by my values and do my best. I think its a bit crazy to expect the world to stop because of something that happens to you - we all have our struggles - some bigger than others, but everything is relative. I thought long and hard about my blog and the ramifications of writing it. I know friends read it - I know folk who don't like me read it - lots of people I've never met know me damn well through it - what responsibility do I have in writing this? Should I continue?
The answer is yes I will. Because I write for me most of all, to try and alleviate the incessant chatter in my head; to reach out to like minded folk and basically to express myself. And as Madge herself sings in the song above, I'm not sorry.