Saturday, 11 August 2012

Weathering all storms

The weather this summer just can't make up its mind. One minute the sun shines, the next the rain pours and some hail joins in for a laugh. We all throw on our optimistic footwear: open toed sandals, espadrilles, flip flops etc and then the rain lashes and we stumble through puddle after puddle. Woe betide anyone who forgets to carry and umbrella. And sunscreen. And shades. And a cardigan. And a rain mac. And a lighter top. And shorts, and jeans... etc.

I'm actually ok with all these indecisive clouds - I kinda feel a bit like that myself... One minute I'm really happy - things will get better, oozing positivity... all Team GB Olympics! And can we afford a pimms? And I'm having a laugh at work about potholes (don't ask) and dodgy dates and Fifty shades. And a good tune comes on the radio and I sing along over the air con - my own single cats chorus...

Then the other I'm all 'are we ever getting out of this rut?' Will I ever afford to buy myself clothes again? Or even a treat - like getting waxed? Will we ever fix up our beaten up car - currently sporting two broken wing mirrors with no backs, 7 dents and a massive scrape along the side (from that bollard love waaay back in Spring). How are we going to pay that bill - and that one? I get so bored in the money mire - it is so fucking tedious to be counting pennies, day in, day out.

In some ways it has been great: Husband says he will never again take for granted how hard it is to be doing the lions share of the childcare. He swears we will never go back to the dark marriage days of 2009 when I did a full time job and he worked weekends and I was left holding the toddler. A single mother by all accounts. So he gets it. Understands in a way he never did - and is determined that his next job will allow him more family time. But the issue is, in his industry show me a job that allows family time? Particularly one that will pay him as good a salary as he earned before.

I look around my house at the broken cupboard held up by masking tape in the kitchen, and the broken glass in the front door and all the little niggly things I need to get done - but haven't the money to do. They grind away at me - imploring me - like I can't take my eyes off them. Then again - Husband has taken up DIY for the first time in our 11 year relationship. He is sanding window frames and staining decking and fixing things all over the place. He cares more about our home, now that he is here long enough to notice all the things that he never did before.

I'm loving working; missing my children. Feeling grateful for a job I enjoy that stimulates me, worried that I am taking another career step sideways. Happy to get home for bath time; wondering when I'll ever get any me time. Loving all the family time with Husband, worried that it comes at a price - when he gets work, how will it all work?

I've just gotta take one day at a time I guess. So some are cloudy with a good chance of rain and then others, well in those glorious moments - the sun splits the sky....

1 comment:

brittanymum said...

dont forget :"if you want to see a rainbow, gotta have a bit of rain first" ;)
enjoy the rainbows when they're there!!