Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Bit of a rambling one...

This summer has been an odd one for me. I've been back at work - the last summer I was there I was waddling around with my daughter in my belly. Brings it all back to me... and finally it kind of dawned on me that I'll never have that time again. I'll never carry another child, I'll never wonder about the sex, I'll never watch my boobs take over the planet and eclipse the sun. I'm ok with that - after all I haven't exactly relished pregnancy - but it's just weird when you suddenly accept that you have no more little people to meet; I wondered aloud to Husband what no3 would have looked like, or no 4. If I'd had another girl, I think I would have called her Hope. A boy? Maybe Gem. Or Eli. I love Jonah too... ahh all the babies I will never know.

I'm blessed beyond my wildest dreams with the two that I have - I feel uber lucky to have a son and a daughter - and that I fulfilled my desire of not having an only child. ( I was one and didn't rate it - only because my parents were divorced and I often wished I had a sibling to say 'aren't our folks nutters' to; I longed for a partner, a playmate, someone to talk to. I think that's why I crave company so much. I remember all the days of creating entertainment for myself: I used to play tennis against my house wall making up problems and then answering them (I fancied myself as an agony aunt. Actually I would LOVE to be an agony aunt - but that's a different story entirely). Rainy Saturdays were spent in front the tv watching black and white movies that were on BBC2 (BBC1 and ITV only showing sport - in those days we didn't even have channel 4). I can feel that acute loneliness even now... so when I watch my kids giggling together in the bath, or clambering over each other on the sofa, I feel all at peace - one box in my life, I was utterly determined to tick.


Husband reminded me tonight that his new fav show is on - The Great British Bake Off. It is amazing. Who knew the intricacies of cake making are so detailed - or that you can you tell if an oven was too hot or too cold, just by tasting a bit of sponge? So many pitfalls, so many opportunities to make a mistake. But you can never have too many soggy bottom jokes, or gratuitous shots of icing. This is triple X food porn. I'm delighted to discover I'm still addicted to it - even though HOT Rob is no longer a contestant. I miss him dropping his puddings on the floor, his lopsided fringe sticking to his sweaty brow, and his chipped tooth grin. Rob could have buttered my muffins any day... But Rob, schmob, as long I've got Mary Berry and a host of stressed out bakers praying for things to keep rising - that's all I need.


Autumn is just around the corner. So while folks start the inevitable hideous count down to Xmas (my god this year has gone quicker than any other. I swear. Like on Sky plus x 30...) I too am counting down. Until my big four zero. Oh yes - party venue booked, theme picked, food still debating over and Prince Tribute band wished for (but at £1200 sadly Purple Rain may not be rocking us all out that evening). I've drafted up a list of about 100 folk to invite and Husband had to physically stop me from designing invitations - seeing as it is 8 months away. But you know, these things take time and planning! I wish y'all could come. It'll be memorable... If you have any tips from a fab party you've been to - please holler! I could yak on about the decorations etc for another 10 pages, but I've gotta dash - those bakers are about to weild their utensils...  

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great post, I'm due in just over three weeks and am having great conversations with my little one about how she is going to play with her new sibling and how they'll hold hands and everything they'll do together, it makes my heart glow! If I come up trumps on the lottery, I'll treat you to the tribute band, if only for a 'Let's go crazy' solo ;) x x x