Saturday, 1 September 2012

It's 3am in the morning...

It is 3:30 in the morning. The world outside is fast asleep. The street lamps have long gone out - we are surrounded in pitch black darkness, as if we lived smack in the heart of the country. (A council money saving exercise apparently. Gawd help any woman walking home alone in this I say...) Husband is snoring... The rest of the house is mercifully still. Where am I?

Filled with anxiety, sipping Vaerian tea, tying myself in knots. Over what? Let's see - where to begin? Over the fact I joked that day at work about fancying young guys - my next door neighbour who is 22...  spilling forth over lunch how my mental 'fancying' clock must have got stuck when I was 17 and I am forever beholden to my teen crush years - except now I am knocking on the door of 40. Folk laughed - partly through humour but mainly fear 'Is she really that mad?'

I'm also concerned that I shouted about how a group of writers were so good to work with - that had I got them as my week's episodes, I would have 'tossed myself off' with joy. Not that I meant to say that - it was meant to be 'wet dream of a team' or something of that ilk. But at 3am, in the dark, all I could think was how unprofessional I sounded, how weird I must come across.... Like some creepy cougar with too much time on her hands...

So I started there. Then I worried about organsing said 40th, and work and where I want to be versus where I am. And lists of things that need done involving lightbulbs and broken loo seats etc. And then exercise - and will I ever get back to the weight of last December, and things I shoulda woulda coulda done. I was virtually pacing the living room floor - until I took a deep breath and told myself, or my head rather, to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

 So I sipped the strong tea, lay back down beside a still snoring Husband around 5am and had ravaged dreams about hotels dressed as the Old Curiosity Shop; gifts showering down on me that I was then told I had to pay for; finding a flat to rent in a high rise building; trying to escape talking candlesticks and visiting a party filled with cakes that were wax.... WTF??? I think Hugh Jackman featured too but I can't quite remember.

Today I felt frazzled. Like I'd stuck my finger in an electric socket and was in recovery mode. But there was too much to do - meetings and kids and house stuff and a cocktail party (that I should be showering for now - but I am writing this).

Are you like me? Do you ever wake up in the dead of night and wind yourself into a frenzy - until the idea of sleep is so far out the window you may as well get ready for work even though it is 5 hours away?? Why? What makes some slumber and others pace? I think I need a good dose of acupuncture - if only I had the time and money. I need some yoga. Some breathing space. At the minute there simply aren't enough hours in the day for all I need to achieve - all I want to achieve.  I want to spend time with my kids - not incidental, but quality time. I want to cook and make sure we have clean sheets and run a house. I want to remember birthdays. I want time to go for a run. I want enough sleep. I want time to write. I want time to read newspapers and catch up on box sets that are gathering dust. I want time to chat to old friends that I have neglected. I want more sleep. I want to go for long walks. I want to have dates with Husband. I want to do my full time job. I want to paint my toes and get a bikini wax. I want 68 hours in a day.

If this happens to you, and you have any sleeping /anti anxiety tips to pass on that don't involve prescription drugs - please holler. Until then it's me, the ticking clock and valerian tea.


1 comment:

Caroline said...

I completely do this. Well, I don't ever drink herbal tea (yuck), but I lie there, anxiously obsessing about almost anything for HOURS, then fall asleep and have fretful, exhausting dreams and wake up knackered!

What I have found helps (apart from a very mild anti-histamine thing that I take a 1/2 dose of each night - doesn't knock you out AT ALL but does help you toward a sound sleep), is write down all the many things I ''need'' to worry about some long while before bed, then figure out which ones I WILL tackle in the next week... I find just writing the things down actually helps. It's there. You've got it down on paper and also - crucial - you can hand some things over to your husband!